Listen More, Talk Less

In writing about this topic, I couldn’t help but feel a little apprehensive about how my wife Robin would rate me on my ability to listen more and talk less. The need to address my listening skills has been a constant theme in our marriage—an area for improvement in which, let’s hope, I’ve gotten better!

Likewise, in terms of my professional career, my communication skills have needed work over the years, particularly when I was a bit younger. Specifically, to successfully manage people and build relationships, I needed to listen more to others and talk less about myself. As soon as I started making this shift, I became much more aware of what was really going on around me—as if I were seeing work and life in a totally new light. I also learned many new things about people and the organization as a whole. It was incredibly empowering. Yet the real light bulb moment came after I joined MAP and noticed how its consultants are quite proficient in the art of asking good questions and purposefully use this skill whenever they’re coaching clients. Rather than give advice, they ask smart questions, knowing that this coaching style is much more powerful for learning, developing, and generating sustainable change. In alignment with the premise of this book, they practice the 80/20 Rule with this habit, listening 80 percent of the time and talking or asking good questions 20 percent of the time. In doing so, MAP consultants really learn what’s going on with our clients and can better craft solutions to meet their needs.

There’s no doubt leaders like to talk. But great leaders know one of the keys to effective leadership is suppressing the innate desire to hear oneself speak to create that golden opportunity to listen more and talk less. If you’re finding yourself doing most of the talking with your direct reports or at meetings, maybe it’s time for a change. Piping down and practicing the 80/20 Rule will likely transform your workplace into a more transparent, productive one. Employees, now encouraged to share more ideas and solutions, will have a new platform to speak up and share their thoughts. Consequently, this newfound opportunity will enable them to become more engaged, effective, and energized. When this happens, it can transform your people and your leadership impact for the better.

But common myths exist about talking and leadership—and for whatever reason, people routinely tend to believe them. So here, I’m going to expand my points on listening more and talking less, outlining three common myths and how to respond in spite of them.

Myth #1: As the leader, you’re the answer person. True, you might have a lot of good answers or ideas about what works best, how business should be done, solutions to problems, and so on. But The Disciplined Leader encourages employees to look to themselves for the answers. When your team doesn’t come up with their own answers, the result is missed opportunities. They don’t develop professionally or take ownership of their responsibilities. So, hard as it may be at times, try holding back on providing all the answers, all the time. Challenge your team to come up with the answers and solutions.

Myth #2: Talking makes you interesting. Really? Speaking five languages, being an Olympian, and having the ability to stand on your head makes you interesting. But talking too much? Nope. That only makes you a bore. And you’ll know you’re a bona fide bore if you catch people rolling their eyes or staring at their phone when you’re talking too much in a meeting. If you really want to come across as interesting, try not talking so much the next time you’re face to face with someone. Ask compelling questions and only speak up if you have something truly unique or important to add. For instance, have you ever been in meetings where most people are taking their turns at talking except for one person? What happened next? When everyone finishes, that one person offers a startling, one-sentence analysis that turned the meeting on its head, surprising everyone at the conference table. Be that startling silent type once in a while.

Myth #3: Asking good questions comes naturally. Being able to ask good questions is a learned skill that takes discipline and practice to master. When you do this, it fosters discovery, unearthing things that are more meaningful. Asking the right questions can also accelerate your knowledge and leadership potential. Listening is a key part of the equation. Whenever people decide they want to be better listeners, they often think all they need to do is keep their mouths closed. Not true. Good listening is active listening, where you’re processing what’s being said for the purpose of learning.

In Summary: The Disciplined Leader realized long ago that the best information comes from the best questions. Listening more and then asking probing questions is the fastest way to grow understanding and get the right answers. Sometimes starting with “I’ve got to ask a dumb question … what does X mean?” can yield what psychologists call deep structures of information.