第18章 VARIETY PATTER.(2)

This was a highly-coloured print,illustrating the broad and narrow ways.The narrow way led upward past a Sunday-school and a lion to a city in the clouds.This city was referred to in the accompanying letterpress as a place of "Rest and Peace,"but inasmuch as the town was represented in the illustration as surrounded by a perfect mob of angels,each one blowing a trumpet twice his own size,and obviously blowing it for all he was worth,a certain confusion of ideas would seem to have crept into the allegory.

The other path--the "broad way"--which ended in what at first glance appeared to be a highly successful display of fireworks,started from the door of a tavern,and led past a Music Hall,on the steps of which stood a gentleman smoking a cigar.All the wicked people in this book smoked cigars--all except one young man who had killed his mother and died raving mad.He had gone astray on short pipes.

This made it uncomfortably clear to me which direction I had chosen,and I was greatly alarmed,until,on examining the picture more closely,I noticed,with much satisfaction,that about midway the two paths were connected by a handy little bridge,by the use of which it seemed feasible,starting on the one path and ending up on the other,to combine the practical advantages of both roads.From subsequent observation I have come to the conclusion that a good many people have made a note of that little bridge.

My own belief in the possibility of such convenient compromise must,I fear,have led to an ethical relapse,for there recurs to my mind a somewhat painful scene of a few months'later date,in which I am seeking to convince a singularly unresponsive landed proprietor that my presence in his orchard is solely and entirely due to my having unfortunately lost my way.

It was not until I was nearly seventeen that the idea occurred to me to visit a Music Hall again.Then,having regard to my double capacity of "Man About Town"and journalist (for I had written a letter to The Era,complaining of the way pit doors were made to open,and it had been inserted),I felt I had no longer any right to neglect acquaintanceship with so important a feature in the life of the people.Accordingly,one Saturday night,I wended my way to the "Pav.";and there the first person that I ran against was my uncle.

He laid a heavy hand upon my shoulder,and asked me,in severe tones,what I was doing there.I felt this to be an awkward question,for it would have been useless trying to make him understand my real motives (one's own relations are never sympathetic),and I was somewhat nonplussed for an answer,until the reflection occurred to me:What was HE doing there?This riddle I,in my turn,propounded to him,with the result that we entered into treaty,by the terms of which it was agreed that no future reference should be made to the meeting by either of us--especially not in the presence of my aunt--and the compact was ratified according to the usual custom,my uncle paying the necessary expenses.

In those days,we sat,some four or six of us,round a little table,on which were placed our drinks.Now we have to balance them upon a narrow ledge;and ladies,as they pass,dip the ends of their cloaks into them,and gentlemen stir them up for us with the ferrules of their umbrellas,or else sweep them off into our laps with their coat tails,saying as they do so,"Oh,I beg your pardon."Also,in those days,there were "chairmen"--affable gentlemen,who would drink anything at anybody's expense,and drink any quantity of it,and never seem to get any fuller.I was introduced to a Music Hall chairman once,and when I said to him,"What is your drink?"he took up the "list of beverages"that lay before him,and,opening it,waved his hand lightly across its entire contents,from clarets,past champagnes and spirits,down to liqueurs."That's my drink,my boy,"said he.There was nothing narrow-minded or exclusive about his tastes.

It was the chairman's duty to introduce the artists."Ladies and gentlemen,"he would shout,in a voice that united the musical characteristics of a foghorn and a steam saw,"Miss 'Enerietta Montressor,the popular serio-comic,will now happear."These announcements were invariably received with great applause by the chairman himself,and generally with chilling indifference by the rest of the audience.

It was also the privilege of the chairman to maintain order,and reprimand evil-doers.This he usually did very effectively,employing for the purpose language both fit and forcible.One chairman that I remember seemed,however,to be curiously deficient in the necessary qualities for this part of his duty.He was a mild and sleepy little man,and,unfortunately,he had to preside over an exceptionally rowdy audience at a small hall in the South-East district.On the night that I was present,there occurred a great disturbance."Joss Jessop,the Monarch of Mirth,"a gentleman evidently high in local request was,for some reason or other,not forthcoming,and in his place the management proposed to offer a female performer on the zithern,one Signorina Ballatino.

The little chairman made the announcement in a nervous,deprecatory tone,as if he were rather ashamed of it himself."Ladies and gentlemen,"he began,--the poor are staunch sticklers for etiquette:

I overheard a small child explaining to her mother one night in Three Colts Street,Limehouse,that she could not get into the house because there was a "lady"on the doorstep,drunk,--"Signorina Ballatino,the world-renowned--"Here a voice from the gallery requested to know what had become of "Old Joss,"and was greeted by loud cries of "'Ear,'ear."The chairman,ignoring the interruption,continued:

"--the world-renowned performer on the zither--""On the whoter?"came in tones of plaintive inquiry from the back of the hall.