第5章 Fat and Thin 胖子和瘦子

Two friends—one a fat man and the other a thin man—met at the Nikolaevsky station. The fat man had just dined in the station and his greasy lips shone like ripe cherries. He smelt of sherry and fleur d'orange. The thin man had just slipped out of the train and was laden with portmanteaus, bundles, and bandboxes. He smelt of ham and coffee grounds. A thin woman with a long chin, his wife, and a tall schoolboy with one eye screwed up came into view behind his back.

“Porfiry,” cried the fat man on seeing the thin man. “Is it you? My dear fellow! How many summers, how many winters!”

“Holy saints!” cried the thin man in amazement. “Misha! The friend of my childhood! Where have you dropped from?”

The friends kissed each other three times, and gazed at each other with eyes full of tears. Both were agreeably astounded.

“My dear boy!” began the thin man after the kissing. “This is unexpected! This is a surprise! Come have a good look at me! Just as handsome as I used to be! Just as great a darling and a dandy! Good gracious me! Well, and how are you? Made your fortune? Married? I am married as you see... This is my wife Luise, her maiden name was Vantsenbach...of the Lutheran persuasion... And this is my son Nafanail, a schoolboy in the third class. This is the friend of my childhood, Nafanya. We were boys at school together!”

Nafanail thought a little and took off his cap.

“We were boys at school together,” the thin man went on. “Do you remember how they used to tease you? You were nicknamed Herostratus because you burned a hole in a schoolbook with a cigarette, and I was nicknamed Ephialtes because I was fond of telling tales. Ho—ho! ...we were children! ...Don't be shy, Nafanya. Go nearer to him. And this is my wife, her maiden name was Vantsenbach, of the Lutheran persuasion...”

Nafanail thought a little and took refuge behind his father's back.

“Well, how are you doing, my friend?” the fat man asked, looking enthusiastically at his friend. “Are you in the service? What grade have you reached?”

“I am, dear boy! I have been a collegiate assessor for the last two years and I have the Stanislav. The salary is poor, but that's no great matter! The wife gives music lessons, and I go in for carving wooden cigarette cases in a private way. Capital cigarette cases! I sell them for a rouble each. If any one takes ten or more I make a reduction of course. We get along somehow. I served as a clerk, you know, and now I have been transferred here as a head clerk in the same department. I am going to serve here. And what about you? I bet you are a civil councillor by now? Eh?”

“No dear boy, go higher than that,” said the fat man. “I have risen to privy councillor already...I have two stars.”

The thin man turned pale and rigid all at once, but soon his face twisted in all directions in the broadest smile; it seemed as though sparks were flashing from his face and eyes. He squirmed, he doubled together, crumpled up... His portmanteaus, bundles and cardboard boxes seemed to shrink and crumple up too... His wife's long chin grew longer still; Nafanail drew himself up to attention and fastened all the buttons of his uniform.

“Your Excellency, I...delighted! The friend, one may say, of childhood and to have turned into such a great man! He—he!”

“Come, come!” the fat man frowned. “What's this tone for? You and I were friends as boys, and there is no need of this official obsequiousness!”

“Merciful heavens, your Excellency! What are you saying...?” sniggered the thin man, wriggling more than ever. “Your Excellency's gracious attention is like refreshing manna... This, your Excellency, is my son Nafanail...my wife Luise, a Lutheran in a certain sense.”

The fat man was about to make some protest, but the face of the thin man wore an expression of such reverence, sugariness, and mawkish respectfulness that the privy councillor was sickened. He turned away from the thin man, giving him his hand at parting.

The thin man pressed three fingers, bowed his whole body and sniggered like a Chinese:“He—he—he!” His wife smiled. Nafanail scraped with his foot and dropped his cap. All three were agreeably overwhelmed.

两位朋友——一个是胖子，另一个是瘦子——在尼古拉车站相遇了。胖子刚在车站里吃过饭，油腻的嘴唇亮得像熟樱桃，身上有一股雪利酒和橙花的味道。瘦子刚从火车上下来，满带着旅行皮箱、包裹和硬纸盒，身上有一股火腿肠和咖啡渣的味道。他背后出现了一个长下巴的瘦女人——他的妻子和一个眯着一只眼的高大男生。

“波尔菲里，”胖子一看到瘦子就大声喊道。“是你吗？我亲爱的伙计！过了多少个夏天，过了多少个冬天啊！”

“天哪！”瘦子惊叫道。“米沙！我童年的朋友！你从哪里来？”

两位朋友彼此亲吻了三次，然后眼泪汪汪凝视着对方。两人又惊又喜。

“我亲爱的伙计！”亲吻过后，瘦子开口说道。“真想不到！真是出乎意料！来好好看看我！还像以前一样英俊！还是那样迷人时髦！我的天哪！噢，你怎么样？你发财了吧？结婚了吗？我都成家了，你看……这是我的妻子路易莎，娘家姓是万岑巴赫……信路德教……这是我的儿子纳法奈尔，中学三年级学生。纳法尼亚，这位是我童年的朋友！我们一块上过学！”

纳法奈尔想了一下，摘下帽子。

“我们一块上过学，”瘦子接着说道。“你还记得他们是怎么取笑你的吗？你的外号叫赫洛斯特拉特，因为你用香烟把一本教科书烧了个洞；我的外号叫厄菲阿尔特，因为我喜欢揭人隐私。嗬嗬！……我们当时都是孩子！……别害羞，纳法尼亚！往前来。这是我的妻子，娘家姓是万岑巴赫，信路德教……”

纳法奈尔想了一下，躲到了父亲背后。

“喂，我的朋友，你过得怎么样？”胖子热情地望着朋友问道。“你在供职吗？到了什么级别？”

“我在供职，亲爱的伙计！我做八品文官都两年了，还得了圣斯坦尼斯拉夫勋章。薪水可怜，但那不大要紧！我的妻子给人上音乐课，我私下对雕刻木烟盒感兴趣。非常精致的烟盒！我卖一卢布一个。要是有人要十个或十个以上，我肯定减价。我们生活得还算可以。你知道，我原来在这个厅做科员，现在被调到这里任本部门的科长。我就要在这里任职了。你怎么样？我敢说你现在是民事评议员了吧？对吗？”

“不，亲爱的伙计，比这高，”胖子说。“我已经升到了三品文官……我有两枚星。”

瘦子顿时脸色变白、身体僵直，但很快他的面目扭曲，显露出最灿烂的笑容，仿佛他的脸和眼睛都在冒金花。他局促不安，佝偻成了一团，垮了下来……他的旅行皮箱、包裹和硬纸盒似乎也收缩瘪了下去……妻子的长下巴变得更长，纳法奈尔挺直身子呈立正姿势，扣上了制服的所有纽扣。

“大人，我……高兴！可以说，童年的朋友已经变成了这样的大官！嗬嗬！”

“得了，得了！”胖子皱眉说道。“干嘛用这种腔调！你我是童年的朋友，根本用不着官场这种巴结奉承！”

“天哪，大人！你在说什么……?”瘦子嗤嗤窃笑，比先前扭动得更厉害了，“大人的亲切关照就像新鲜宜人的甘露……大人，这是我的儿子纳法奈尔……我的妻子路易莎，在某种意义上是路德教教徒。”

胖子本打算反驳几句，但瘦子的脸上带着毕恭毕敬、阿谀谄媚、低三下四的表情，令三品文官感到恶心。他随即背过脸看也不看瘦子，向他伸出一只手握手告别。

瘦子紧握三根手指，全身鞠躬，像中国人那样嗤嗤地笑着：“嗬嗬嗬！”他的妻子也忙笑脸相送。纳法奈尔一只脚刮擦着，帽子掉在了地上。一家三口全都高兴得不知所措。