第8章 House Cleaning 大扫除

Francis Hopkinson, 1737-1791. He was the son of an Englishman; born in Philadelphia, and was educated at the college of that city, now the University of Pennsylvania. He represented New Jersey in the Congress of 1776, and was one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence. He was one of the most sensible and elegant writers of his time, and distinguished himself both in prose and verse. His lighter writings abound in humor and keen satire; his more solid writings are marked by clearness and good sense. His pen did much to forward the cause of American independence. His "Essay on Whitewashing, " from which the following extract is taken, was mistaken for the composition of Dr. Franklin, and published among his writings, It was originally in the form of "A Letter from a Gentleman in America to his Friend in Europe, on Whitewashing."

There is no season of the year in which the lady may not, if she pleases, claim her privilege; but the latter end of May is generally fixed upon for the purpose. The attentive husband may judge, by certain prognostics, when the storm is at hand. If the lady grows uncommonly fretful, finds fault with the servants, is discontented with the children, and complains much of the nastiness of everything about her, these are symptoms which ought not to be neglected, yet they sometimes go off without any further effect.

But if, when the husband rises in the morning, he should observe in the yard a wheelbarrow with a quantity of lime in it, or should see certain buckets filled with a solution of lime in water, there is no time for hesitation. He immediately locks up the apartment or closet where his papers and private property are kept, and, putting the key into his pocket, betakes himself to flight. A husband, however beloved, becomes a perfect nuisance during this season of female rage. His authority is superseded, his commission suspended, and the very scullion who cleans the brasses in the kitchen becomes of more importance than he. He has nothing for it but to abdicate for a time, and run from an evil which he can neither prevent nor mollify.

The husband gone, the ceremony begins. The walls are stripped of their furniture — paintings, prints, and looking-glasses lie huddled in heaps about the floors;the curtains are torn from their testers, the beds crammed into windows, chairs and tables, bedsteads and cradles, crowd the yard, and the garden fence bends beneath the weight of carpets, blankets, cloth cloaks, old coats, under petticoats, and ragged breeches. Here may be seen the lumber of the kitchen, forming a dark and confused mass for the foreground of the picture; gridirons and frying pans, rusty shovels and broken tongs, joint stools, and the fractured remains of rush-bottomed chairs. There a closet has disgorged its bowels—riveted plates and dishes, halves of china bowls, cracked tumblers, broken wineglasses, phials of forgotten physic, papers of unknown powders, seeds and dried herbs, tops of teapots, and stoppers of departed decanters—from the rag hole in the garret, to the rat hole in the cellar, no place escapes unrummaged. It would seem as if the day of general doom had come, and the utensils of the house were dragged forth to judgment.

In this tempest, the words of King Lear unavoidably present themselves, and might, with little alteration, be made strictly applicable.

"Let the great gods,

That keep this dreadful pother o'er our heads,

Find out their enemies now. Tremble, thou wretch,

That hast within thee undivulged crimes

Unwhipp'd of justice.

Close pent-up guilts,

Rive your concealing continents, and cry

These dreadful summoners grace."

This ceremony completed, and the house thoroughly evacuated, the next operation is to smear the walls and ceilings with brushes dipped into a solution of lime, called whitewash;to pour buckets of water over every floor; and scratch all the partitions and wainscots with hard brushes, charged with soft soap and stonecutters' sand.

The windows by no means escape the general deluge. A servant scrambles out upon the penthouse, at the risk of her neck, and, with a mug in her hand and a bucket within reach, dashes innumerable gallons of water against the glass panes, to the great annoyance of passengers in the street.

I have been told that an action at law was once brought against one of these water nymphs, by a person who had a new suit of clothes spoiled by this operation: but after long argument, it was determined that no damages could be awarded; inasmuch as the defendant was in the exercise of a legal right, and not answerable for the consequences. And so the poor gentleman was doubly non-suited; for he lost both his suit of clothes and his suit at law.

These smearings and scratchings, these washings and dashings, being duly performed, the next ceremonial is to cleanse and replace the distracted furniture. You may have seen a house raising, or a ship launch—recollect, if you can, the hurry, bustle, confusion, and noise of such a scene, and you will have some idea of this cleansing match. The misfortune is, that the sole object is to make things clean. It matters not how many useful, ornamental, or valuable articles suffer mutilation or death under the operation. A mahogany chair and a carved frame undergo the same discipline; they are to be made clean at all events; but their preservation is not worthy of attention.

For instance: a fine large engraving is laid flat upon the floor; a number of smaller prints are piled upon it, until the superincumbent weight cracks the lower glass—but this is of no importance. A valuable picture is placed leaning against the sharp corner of a table; others are made to lean against that, till the pressure of the whole forces the corner of the table through the canvas of the first. The frame and glass of a fine print are to be cleaned; the spirit and oil used on this occasion are suffered to leak through and deface the engraving — no matter. If the glass is clean and the frame shines, it is sufficient — the rest is not worthy of consideration. An able arithmetician hath made a calculation, founded on long experience, and proved that the losses and destruction incident to two white washings are equal to one removal, and three removals equal to one fire.

This cleansing frolic over, matters begin to resume their pristine appearance: the storm abates, and all would be well again; but it is impossible that so great a convulsion in so small a community should pass over without producing some consequences. For two or three weeks after the operation, the family are usually afflicted with sore eyes, sore throats, or severe colds, occasioned by exhalations from wet floors and damp walls.

I know a gentleman here who is fond of accounting for everything in a philosophical way.He considers this,what I call a custom,as a real periodical disease peculiar to the climate. His train of reasoning is whimsical and ingenious, but I am not at leisure to give you the detail. The result was, that he found the distemper to be incurable; but after much study, he thought he had discovered a method to divert the evil he could not subdue. For this purpose, he caused a small building, about twelve feet square, to be erected in his garden, and furnished with some ordinary chairs and tables, and a few prints of the cheapest sort. His hope was, that when the whitewashing frenzy seized the females of his family, they might repair to this apartment, and scrub, and scour, and smear to their hearts' content; and so spend the violence of the disease in this outpost, whilst he enjoyed himself in quiet at headquarters. But the experiment did not answer his expectation. It was impossible it should, since a principal part of the gratification consists in the lady's having an uncontrolled right to torment her husband at least once in every year; to turn him out of doors, and take the reins of government into her own hands.

There is a much better contrivance than this of the philosopher's; which is, to cover the walls of the house with paper. This is generally done. And though it does not abolish, it at least shortens the period of female dominion. This paper is decorated with various fancies;and made so ornamental that the women have admitted the fashion without perceiving the design.

There is also another alleviation to the husband's distress. He generally has the sole use of a small room or closet for his books and papers, the key of which he is allowed to keep. This is considered as a privileged place, even in the whitewashing season, and stands like the land of Goshen amidst the plagues of Egypt. But then he must be extremely cautious, and ever upon his guard; for, should he inadvertently go abroad and leave the key in his door, the housemaid, who is always on the watch for such an opportunity, immediately enters in triumph with buckets, brooms, and brushes—takes possession of the premises, and forthwith puts an his books and papers "to rights, " to his utter confusion, and sometimes serious detriment.

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弗朗西斯·霍普金森（1737～1791年），生于费城，是一个英国人的孩子，毕业于现今的宾夕法尼亚大学。他代表新泽西州出席了1776年国会，是《独立宣言》签署人之一。他是他们那个时代最敏感、最优雅的作家之一，无论散文还是诗歌都很出色。他雅致的写作手法充满了幽默与讽刺，思路清晰，字句通顺。他的创作对美国独立的促成具有推动作用。以下作品摘自他的《论装饰》，《论装饰》曾被误认为是富兰克林博士创作的，它最早出现在他写给一位欧洲朋友的一封信里面。

如果女人想做，那么在一年之中没有任何季节是她们不主张自己的特权的。但是通常来说，五月的最后一天是她定期行使特权的时刻。细心的丈夫会通过一些预感来做出暴风雨将要来临的判断。如果她变得异常暴躁，批判她的佣人，对她的孩子感到不满，抱怨一切有关她的坏话，这些征兆就不该被忽视，当然偶尔忽略也不会产生严重的后果。

当丈夫早晨起床发现自己家院子的那个手推车里装有很多石灰，或是水桶里面装有很多石灰水溶液的时候，就不能犹豫不定了，他应该立刻锁上公寓的门和装有他私人物品的衣橱，然后把钥匙放进他的口袋，迅速去往别的地方。虽然女性深受宠爱，但是在女性性情暴躁的季节，丈夫却成了老婆最厌烦的对象。他的男子气概被剥夺了，他的权力暂时失效，就连那个清洗厨房餐具碗筷的佣人都比他更重要。他除了放弃掌管家里的大权以外，别无他法，他必须远离那个他既不能阻止也不能安抚的恶魔。

丈夫刚走后不久，大扫除的仪式就开始了。墙壁周围的家具被移开了——地板上积攒了一堆装饰画、印刷物和镜子；窗帘也被扯掉了，床被乱推到窗户前面，院子里面满是椅子、桌子、架子和摇篮；地毯、毛毯、斗篷、老式大衣、衬裙和破裤子的重量压弯了花园的围栏。在这里可以看到厨房的杂物，一并构成了黑乎乎、乱糟糟的景象。烤架和煎锅、生锈的铲子、坏掉的火钳、折凳、被折坏了的圆底凳子散乱放着。摆在橱柜里的盘子、碟子、瓷碗、裂纹的酒杯、坏掉的葡萄酒杯、包有叫不出名字的粉末纸包、种子、没有水分的草药、茶壶嘴和过去塞玻璃杯的纸等等，洒落满地。从阁楼的破布片，到地下室的老鼠洞，所有地方都没能躲避过大扫除。好像充满厄运的白昼终将到来，这个房子里的所有东西都会被拉出来接受正义的审判。

在这场暴风雨中，李尔王的话不可避免地展现了他们的力量，或许有略微的改动，但是这再恰当不过了：

“让这些伟大的神灵，

在我们的头顶掀起这场可怕的骚动吧！

现在，找到他们的敌人，颤抖吧，你这无耻之徒，

你只是尚未被人发觉、逍遥法外的罪人！

躲起来吧，你这个杀人凶手，

隐藏你抑制的罪恶，

拆裂那包藏祸心的伪装，

向那些可怕的召唤者哀号、求饶吧！”

这个仪式过后，这个屋子被完全掏空了，他们的下一项任务就是用沾过白涂料的毛刷粉刷墙面，在地板上洒上几桶水，涂上肥皂水和石匠使用的沙子，用硬刷子去除分隔板和护壁板上面的污垢。

窗户无法逃过这场大扫除，一个佣人在冒着会伤到脖子的风险，手拿带把儿的酒杯，攀爬到阁楼之上。他的身旁有一桶水，他朝玻璃上泼了许多水，因此而产生的声音让街上的路人感到很是厌烦。

我听说，曾经有个人的新西服被泼了水，这种行为是违法的。然而，经过长时间的争辩之后，判定没有造成损失而不用赔偿。因为被告可以行使法律规定的权利，所以不用对后果负责。因此，一位贫困的绅士会由于两方面的原因而感到不满——他的衣服不但被泼了水，他还没有打赢官司。

这些诅咒和刮擦声，洗涤和冲刷，都在有条不紊地进行着，下一步是清洁和把散乱的家具搬回原位。你肯定见过一栋房子建起，或一艘船扬帆远航——如果可能，你可以回忆一下那种异常匆忙、繁杂和混乱的场面，那么你一定会对清洁房屋产生些许印象。不幸的是，我们唯一的任务就是把房屋收拾干净，重要的不是在之前的扫除中有多少有价值的、装饰性的或是珍贵的东西被毁坏或消失。一把红木椅和一个刻镂的架子也遭遇了同等的待遇，这样贵重的东西在任何情况下都是应该随时清洁的，可是它们并没有得到随时清洁，因为主人没有给予应有的注意。

举个例子：一幅镶嵌在框里的漂亮雕刻画平放在地板上，上面放有很多小印刷品，然而自上而下的重量压碎了底部的玻璃，不过这并不重要。一幅名贵的画放在桌子的一个尖利的角上，其他东西则压住这幅画，直到桌子角的全部力量通过画布释放出来。一幅优秀作品的框架和玻璃需要清洁，在这样的情况下，使用的酒精和擦拭油一定会渗入进去，污染雕刻品的表面。但是，如果它的玻璃能保持干净，框架能闪闪发亮，那就足够了，剩下的都无关痛痒。有一位算术家，根据自己的长期经验，证明了一个事实：两次粉饰造成的缺失和破坏，等同于一次搬家，而三次搬家等同于一次火灾。

这场大扫除终于结束了，所有东西全都回到了先前的样子：暴风雨过后，一切又再次繁盛起来，但是在这么小的世界发生这么大的变化，还能够毫发未伤是完全不可能的。在粉饰完成的两到三个礼拜里，所有的家庭成员普遍感到眼睛干燥、喉咙刺痛，又或是患上了严重的感冒，因为潮湿的地板和刚刚粉刷过的墙壁会导致呼吸道疾病。

我知道一个绅士，他喜欢用哲学的方法去思考一切事情。他把我认为是“习惯”的东西看作是一种周期性疾病，而且尤其是和气候紧密相连的。他的一系列推论总是很古怪且颇具天才想法，不过我没有时间一一描述。结果是，他发现了这些病症是无法治愈的。经过一系列的研究，他认为自己发现了能够让他无法压制的恶魔转移心力的方法。因此，他建了一座大约十二平方英尺的小型建筑，他把这小型建筑建在花园里，并用一些普通的桌子、椅子和一些廉价的画进行装饰。他希望，当他家那个魔鬼实在控制不住粉刷房子的冲动时，她能拿这个小型建筑当作泄愤的出口，用力擦拭、弄污她们的喜爱之物，于是由粉刷房子的病状所引起的暴力得以在这个远离主屋的小建筑中消失，而他却可以在宅子里安安静静地享受时光。但是，他的实验并未如愿，而且也不太可能实现。因为这种粉刷房屋的冲动，主要是体现了女主人每年至少有一次无法控制地折磨她丈夫的权力，以及将她的丈夫踢出门外，家里的一切都由她来掌管的权力。

还有比这样的哲学思想更妙的计谋，那就是用纸糊墙，许多家庭都是这样做的，虽然不会完全阻止女性发疯的心理，但也会多多少少缩短女人掌权的周期。这种纸能给人五颜六色的幻象，使其很具有装饰感，以至于女人无须理解图形的设计，就乐意接受这种时尚。

还有其他办法来缓解丈夫的悲惨境遇。通常来说，丈夫只会用一个小屋子或橱柜来放他的书和文件，屋子或橱柜的钥匙由他保管。他在这个地方可以享有特权，即使是在女主人粉刷的时候，它也会像埃及瘟疫肆虐时的歌珊地一样获得幸免。不过在那以后，他必须极其小心，随时保持警惕，因为，如果他稍不注意出去了，并把钥匙留在门上的话，那么大扫除的女人们——她们可是一直在盯着这样的大好机会——就会立刻以胜利者的姿态，拿着水桶、扫把和刷子，好像她们就是这间屋子的主人，把他的书和文件统统纳入她们的“权力”管辖范围，以至于让他的东西陷入混乱状态，有时还会带来严重的损害。