1. Taking Mary to tea

(A missed opportunity to Humbly Inquire)

I had arrived in Cambridge with my new bride and was getting ready to teach my first class ever, a lecture course on social psychology for first-year MBA students. Most evenings I was deep at work on my lectures because I was so anxious about my first teaching performance.

Mary asked me several times if I’d take a break and maybe take her out for a cup of tea, to which I replied that I was sorry, but I had to finish the lecture.

Looking back on this scene I feel sad, regretful, and somewhat ashamed. What should I have done? I have a caring attitude and I wanted to be helpful, but I wanted to finish the lectures. Going out to tea would have been a total disruption. In reflecting back on this event I realize that I had three options.

Option 1 Stick to my guns, politely and firmly say, “Sorry, can’t right now,” and continue to work on the lecture. This is what I did and now regret.

Problems with this option:

It put Mary down, telling her that my work was more important than she was.

Mary might have needed to discuss a problem and wanted my input; if so, I would not have learned about it and, therefore, would not have helped.

I felt guilty and ashamed.

I built up some resentment because I felt guilty or ashamed.

Option 2 Give in and take Mary out to tea.

Problems with this option:

I might go out for tea physically but not psychologically, so it would be tense, awkward, and unsatisfying to both of us.

I might enjoy it but then have to work later and, thereby, create new problems.

I might resent it and unconsciously punish Mary in some way.

I might develop an image of Mary as “always asking.”

Mary might not have wanted a tea break but needed to talk to me about something and used tea as a vehicle.

Mary might have felt guilty for interrupting me.

Option 3 Humble Inquiry—Be empathic, sit down with Mary for a moment and give her my full attention. Ask her in a kind and attentive way what’s on her mind and suggest that we talk for a minute. In retrospect, this is what I should I have done.

Why this option?

By seriously asking, I would have been honoring the relationship, honoring her request for attention, and avoiding the put-down.

I would have had a chance of finding out whether she just needed a break, needed to get out of the house, or needed to talk over some important issue with me.

I then would have had the information to decide whether my lecture or Mary’s need was more important at that moment and could have made the appropriate decision.

We could then decide together whether to have tea then, to talk then, to have tea later, to talk later, etc. It would have been the appropriate next step, and that would have contributed to building the relationship.

I would have had a chance to share my anxiety about the forthcoming lectures and enabled Mary to gain some empathy for my situation and offer help.

I would then feel that the break was worth taking even if it cost me some work time.

WHAT I LEARNED

When the choice is between you or me, look for a way to explore us, the relationship itself.

Ask an open question to get information that you need (a question that is not answerable with just a yes or no).

When one is too busy with one’s own agenda but wants to display a caring attitude, what often works best is a small change in behavior, not a total revision of the relationship.

A small change allows a brief interruption to get more information before making a big decision.

The small change should invite joint problem solving.

Small changes now avoid the need for big changes later.

Humble Inquiry would have enabled a small change.