2
Recognizing
When You’re in
Professional Crisis
* * *
You gain strength, courage, and confidence
by every experience in which you really
stop to look fear in the face. You must do the
thing which you think you cannot do.
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
You Learn by Living, 1960
In my work with clients, I have been amazed at women’s depth of denial when things are bad. Women have said to me as we begin our work together that the term “crisis” doesn’t fit their experience, or they feel “uncomfortable” using the word. Then they go on to describe deep pain, fear, a sense of isolation, hopelessness, and a host of other agonizing emotions. Women might say, “I’m just going through a bad patch” or “I’m having a hard time right now,” but when they feel safe, they begin to expose the depth of their unhappiness. This acknowledgment paves the way for a probing new line of self-questioning to emerge. They begin to ask themselves, “You mean I may not have to live like this forever?” This chapter will help you determine if you are in fact experiencing a true professional crisis or simply going through “a tough time.” You’ll learn about the four levels of disempowerment women typically experience and identify which, if any, are problematic for you.
I’ve wondered why women habitually deny the existence of their anguish. Why are women so reluctant to call a spade a spade? I believe this denial of pain goes back to our socialization as children (perhaps it involves a bit of what we’ve picked up on our evolutionary journey as well). Research has shown that even as early as the teen years, girls begin to go underground with their emotions and start what seems to be a lifelong tendency of “stuffing down” their true feelings. Young women do not wish to appear weak or vulnerable; they are afraid of not measuring up to a stronger, more competent ideal; or they want to avoid being scrutinized or criticized.
Even more insidious is the “good girl” syndrome, which demands that they avoid actions that might rock the boat, challenge authority, or make others unhappy with them.
Many baby-boomer women were raised by well-meaning parents whose generation believed it was unladylike or worse for women to stand up for themselves. We are still battling the unstated injunction that we must be polite, “grin and bear it,” lest we come across as whiners, nags, or the kind of women who are “just never satisfied.”
To change this situation, women have to get real—with themselves and others — about their true feelings and thoughts about how their lives are going. If you feel an urgent need to alter your life, then it’s time to do it.
How Can You Tell If You’re in Breakdown and Need Change?
Women today face a myriad of challenges in both professional and personal arenas that share one theme—feeling powerless. “Disempowerment” here refers to the significant, persistent gap in an individual’s ability to mold her life to her own satisfaction and fulfillment. This experience is widespread among women. I call it the “I Can’t Do This” phenomenon, because thousands believe they simply can’t do it—they can’t direct their lives as they wish. They feel overwhelmed with what’s on their plate, yet limited in their ability to bring about the changes they long for. This perceived powerlessness is damaging. It generates depression, anger, confusion, and paralysis, and it exacerbates other problems. In short, it causes “breakdown.” “Breakdown” is a heart-wrenching, deeply disturbing, or shocking event or series of events that makes you understand, irrevocably, that change must occur now. If you are desperately longing for change, then crisis is most likely at hand. If you are chronically unhappy, resentful, or depleted—in short, miserable—then breakdown is at your door. Breakdown in the professional arena means that a key aspect of your professional identity and endeavors, or your way of integrating your professional life with your personal life, is no longer acceptable to you. Breakdown slaps you across the face and yells from inside you, “So, what are you going to do now, huh? You know this can’t continue!”
Crisis is not a “bad” thing. It’s not something to be ashamed of. It doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Yes, it’s deeply painful—and you don’t want to face it. But breakdown represents a critical turning point that can, if you let it, lead to something much better. Breakdown is a call for change, and for many people, radical change is the only door that opens to happiness, growth, and strength. I’ve lived through all twelve disempowerment crises myself, and I now consider them to be precisely what paved the way for my life to become what it is—meaningful, joyful, and satisfying.
Four Levels of Disempowerment
The text below describes the four levels of disempowerment that professional women experience, along with the three specific crises that characterize each level. The list begins with the most fundamental relational level and proceeds to the more far-reaching dimensions outside of yourself. This chapter will help you understand what disempowerment looks and feels like, and it will guide you in exploring the areas in which you may feel powerless in life and work.
Disempowerment in Relationship with Self
When you are disempowered at this level, you are limited in the degree to which you accept and value yourself. You suffer from feeling unworthy, small, and inferior. You jump through hoops in order to win your own validation and approval. But despite your Herculean efforts, you typically fail. Being stuck at this level indicates the need to focus on new thinking and actions that facilitate a reconnection to your inner being, to the worthiness of who you are at your core, and to the universal life force flow and the guidance it offers.
The three crises on this level are:
1. “I Can’t Resolve My Health Problems.” This is a crisis of failing health or a chronic physical ailment that has not been addressed effectively. You know you are facing this crisis when chronic illness emerges suddenly and won’t respond to treatment. You sense that something larger is involved, something that impedes your ability to express and honor yourself, get rid of what’s no longer needed, see and hear clearly what is going on around you, or protect yourself.
2. “I Can’t Get Over This Loss.” When you lose a colleague, friend, spouse, or loved one suddenly (whether the loss is due to death or other circumstances), your world can be turned upside down. Realizing you’ve lost an aspect of yourself or your self-identity can feel like a death. Deep loss can cause you to dramatically reevaluate where you are headed. You know you are facing this crisis when you can’t seem to move forward after losing something or someone you love.
3. “I Can’t Stand Who I’ve Become.” In this crisis, your values, conduct, integrity, and behavior have been compromised for financial security, ego gratification, or mere survival in a hellish work environment. You know you are facing this crisis when you recognize that your thinking and behavior have become negative and destructive. You are not the person you were in the past, nor the person you want to be.
Disempowerment in Relationship with Others
When disempowered at this level, you have great difficulty speaking up for yourself effectively, without fear of repercussions. Your relationships are unsatisfying, and you find yourself in competitive and hostile interactions. You continually feel unworthy and afraid of being “found out,” as if you’re an impostor. Overall, you feel ill-treated and not respected. Experiencing challenge at this level points to the need to step up to your innate power. Moving forward becomes possible when you let go of your critical judgments and develop stronger boundaries that protect and support you.
The three crises on this level are:
4. “I Can’t Speak Up Without Being Punished.” This is a crisis of not being able to advocate effectively for yourself. You know you are facing this crisis when every time you speak up about something challenging, you fear facing punishment, criticism, or rejection.
5. “I Can’t Stop the Abuse or Mistreatment I’m Experiencing.” Being treated poorly by your employer or colleagues affects all aspects of your life. You know you are facing this crisis when your company and colleagues treat you intolerably, yet you remain in your job.
6. “I Can’t Keep Up with This Competition.” This crisis involves the disturbing realization that doing what it takes to compete and remain on top now feels too difficult or pointless. You know you are facing this crisis when the cut-throat mentality at work is taking a serious toll on you and is bleeding into other areas of your life.
Disempowerment in Relationship with the World
Feeling powerless in your relationship with the world means you feel chewed up and spit out. The world doesn’t seem friendly or forgiving. You can’t find effective ways to navigate through your challenges, or to utilize your talents and gifts in ways that feel joyful and satisfying. You struggle with power and money (most often from their lack) and feel incapable of charting your own course with confidence and optimism. Experiencing crisis at this level reflects a need to explore essential truths about yourself and your life.
The three crises on this level are:
7. “I Can’t Get Out of This Financial Trap.” In this crisis, you believe you must remain in an unfulfilling or intolerable job, relationship, or situation because of money constraints. You know you are facing this crisis when you’ve given up everything that matters to you, for money.
8. “I Can’t Use My Real Talents in Life and Work.” This crisis occurs when you realize that you are not using your natural talents and gifts, but you desperately long to. You know you are facing this crisis when your work no longer fits, and you fantasize regularly about moving to a different job or field but take no action.
9. “ I Can’t Help Others and the World.” A very common professional crisis involves awakening to your own mortality, and to a deep longing to make a difference in the world but not knowing how. You know you are facing this crisis when you have an urgent longing to do more positive work.
Disempowerment in Relationship with Higher Self
Disempowerment at this level signifies your longing to connect with the more expansive aspects of yourself and your spirit. You wish to receive more help in your life and work, but you can’t stop overfunctioning and overcontrolling. Crisis at this level is a wake-up call to remind you that you are an indispensable part of life, that you have deep value and significance. But this significance can be realized only when you tap into the power, intuition, and guidance of your higher self.
The three crises on this level are:
10. “I Can’t Hold Things Together Any Longer.” The crisis of “falling apart”—when everything all at once comes apart at the seams—brings you to your knees. This crisis causes you to reprioritize your focus and energy on what matters most. You know you are facing this crisis when dealing with everything in your life is impossible.
11. “I Can’t Balance My Life and Work.” This crisis is one of attempting, but failing, to balance the demands of your work life with the requirements of your other roles and responsibilities. You know you are facing this crisis when you’re exhausted and at wit’s end, and you feel like you’re failing at what matters most to you.
12. “I Can’t Find or Do Work and Play That I Love.” Many professional women have simply lost touch with who they are. They struggle with “Who am I in this world? What do I want to be known for? What am I here to do? What do I love to do, and how can I incorporate that into a fulfilling career?” This crisis points to your need to reconnect with the real you. You know you are facing this crisis when you feel your life doesn’t match you. Although you desperately want out of your current line of work or situation, you believe it’s impossible for several “good” reasons.
MOVING FORWARD TO BREAKTHROUGH
Say YES to yourself today, and take this assessment below. By answering these questions as honestly and critically as you can, you will 1) understand if you are in crisis, and 2) learn which of the four levels of disempowerment is most relevant to your situation.
The First Step: Assessing If You Are in Crisis
The first step is to evaluate your situation as clearly and honestly as possible, with your own set of standards and measures. It’s time to forge a deeper, more loving and accepting relationship with yourself. Consider your own thoughts and experiences as the highest authority. Forget what your friends, colleagues, husband, parents, and children say you should feel, do, and believe.
Take this assessment as many times as possible throughout your reading of this book (and beyond), and see how your answers change over time.
There are no right or wrong answers here. This assessment is your chance to get to know yourself better, to be completely honest and open. Leave your perfectionism and ego at the door. Now is the time to get “hip to your trip.”
Find a quiet, comfortable, and private place, with a comfy pillow to lean on. Turn off the cell phone and turn down the answering machine, close the door, and focus just on you.
1. Ponder and answer these questions as deeply and honestly as you can in your journal:
a. Are you fulfilled and satisfied with your life choices? Yes No
b. Do you feel good about yourself, your life, and where you are going? Yes No
c. Do you trust you have what it takes to continually create a satisfying life of passion, power, and purpose? Yes No
Question 1 Assessment
If you answered “Yes” to all of these questions, then you are moving in a positive and satisfying direction. If you answered “No” to any of them, your life is asking you to step up to change, and this book will help.
2. On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 means “Very Far Away” and 10 means “Very Close”), answer the following questions. Circle the number that best represents your life today. To help you avoid “5”—which leaves you on the fence—“X” appears in its place. Push yourself in one direction or another.
a. How close are you to being as powerful and self-assured as you’d like to be in life and work?
b. How close are you to living a life that gives you passion and joy?
c. How close are you to living a life of purpose and meaning?
What would you need to do differently to answer these questions with a “10”?
Question 2 Assessment
If you answered “4” or lower to any of the above questions, you may be struggling with how to integrate what you feel you have to do in life to be successful with how you want to live your life. You are wishing for a deeper sense of purpose, joy, and integrity.
3. Review the list of statements below, and honestly ask yourself, “Does this reflect what I’m going through today?” Check all that apply.
a. ( ) Successfully balancing my home life and work life feels almost impossible right now.
b. ( ) I’m having chronic health problems that aren’t getting better.
c. ( ) I’ve lost someone or something I deeply loved, and I feel changed because of it.
d. ( ) I feel like things are falling apart in my life.
e. ( ) I’ve been treated poorly at work, and I don’t feel the same about being there as I used to.
f. ( ) It seems like every time I speak up, I get squashed or punished.
g. ( ) I have gifts and talents that I’m not using, but I deeply long to.
h. ( ) In some ways, I don’t like or respect who I’ve become.
i. ( ) I dislike what I do and am bored by it, but I have no idea what other work I could do.
j. ( ) My financial situation is keeping me trapped at work (or at home).
k. ( ) I just don’t want to keep competing. I’m worn out.
l. ( ) I want to help people somehow, in a bigger way than I’m doing, but I don’t know how.
Question 3 Assessment
If you checked any of the above statements, it’s time to make a change. Transition is occurring, which can be very positive, if you are willing to embrace it and understand what the underlying issues suggest.
Write in your journal about what you learned from taking this assessment:
• Which empowerment level needs your attention most right now: Relationship with Self, Others, World, or Higher Self?
• What particular crisis within that level seems to be causing you the most difficulty?
* LET GO
What can you let go of in your life to free up energy and time to focus on what’s important to you?
* SAY YES!
Choose one area to focus on this month, to gain empowerment as you go forward. Use this book as your tool for breakthrough.
The key area I will focus on to gain empowerment is: ___________________________
Great job! You did it. Completing this assessment is the first and most important step you can take on the path to breaking through crisis to gain empowerment. You must know what isn’t working in your life to determine where to begin changing it. Congratulations for having the courage to start.