PREFACE

yes is a world
& in this world of
yes live
(skilfully curled)
all worlds

E. E. CUMMINGS

After sixteen years in the workforce, I had achieved what many professional women dream of, but I was miserable. A corporate vice president with a lucrative and high-powered job, I was blessed with what seemed like a great career, a loving husband, two beautiful children, and a charming house in a quaint New England town. I had all the signs and symbols of “success” in life. I had it all. Or so it appeared, until I awakened suddenly at age 38 to a burning question. I asked myself over and over, “Why am I so unhappy?”

My family life had always been fulfilling and satisfying to me. I loved being a mother and wife, and I experienced these roles as enriching, filling life with meaning, joy, and satisfaction. But personal fulfillment has never been enough for me, for reasons that are deeply rooted in my experiences as a child and teen. Since I was 16, I have known that being an accomplished professional was something I deeply wanted, and having others view me this way was also important. I believed then (and still do) that developing the “chops” of working—building professional proficiency and forging the necessary skills, strengths, and talents to rise to new challenges and succeed in the workplace—adds a vital dimension to my life. I thought, too, that a career would guarantee that I could have something all my own to shape and mold—something no one could ever take away from me.

But in midlife all professional joy and satisfaction withered away, and my traumas at work began to “bleed” into my personal world. Strange, unsettling things were happening. My husband one day broke down in tears out of the blue and said, “I’m not sure I can take this anymore. You’re just so angry and hostile all the time.” I was shocked and hurt but realized, suddenly, that he was right. I had become addicted to taking out my intense work frustration and resentment on him.

I’d been suffering, too, from a serious chronic illness—a condition called tracheitis—which for four years hit me every four months or so without fail. It was debilitating, painful, frightening, and, in some inexplicable way, infuriating to me. I’d lose my voice completely and suffer from sharp, burning pain in the throat and chest. Fever would consume me, along with aches and exhaustion. Doctors couldn’t find a cause or a cure. Due to all this sickness, I was constantly angry and resentful, and I felt depleted all the time. Functioning on every level became a chore. I knew something was very wrong, but I hadn’t fully realized that things were truly falling apart and a “breakdown” was emerging.

I began to grapple with the all-important question I read somewhere, “When I am 90 years old and looking back, what do I want to have accomplished, experienced, and given in this lifetime?” My contemplation made me recognize I hadn’t a clue what I wanted my life to stand for, or even the type of individual I would hold up as a role model. I did know, however, that I was drowning in a sea of wasted opportunities, and time was running out. I urgently longed to step away from feeling hurt at work, and hurting others. I looked everywhere for guidance—books, assessment tests, consultants, career coaches, mentors, colleagues, friends. But despite my many efforts, I remained stuck, unable to move forward in a meaningful way.

At the suggestion of a friend, I sought psychotherapy to help me get to the bottom of why I was so unhappy. Therapy helped me face the harsh reality that I disliked my work intensely, and that it held no positive meaning for me. In stepping back, I saw that I’d had burning fantasies for years about exciting new fields I wanted to be part of (the film industry, for one), but I hadn’t taken any real steps toward transitioning to those fields. I’d been paralyzed by fear that I’d lose too much, or more precisely, that I’d lose what little power and self-esteem I’d derived from my money and title. I’d let my dreams die, chalking them up to childish longings that served no purpose. The worst blow yet was recognizing that I no longer liked or respected myself as a professional. I felt as if I’d emerged from a twenty-year trance to the awareness that I’d always “done the right thing” for money, security, and safety, and this blind commitment to the right thing had stolen my life away.

The Breakdown Comes

After years of dissatisfaction and feeling inauthentic every day at work, the final straw-breaking blow came. Right after 9/11, I was laid off from my high-level position in a way that was brutal to my ego. It left me shattered and disillusioned. This devastation came only one month after moving to a larger house farther away from New York City, which meant more financial demands and less accessibility to other comparable jobs. My wake-up call had arrived.

Cast out from my job, I lost my corporate identity and self-worth. My sense of security was gone, and I felt depressed, disoriented, and alone. The experience felt like a sort of death, and with that “death” came denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. As I later learned, these are the same stages of grief and loss identified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her groundbreaking work on death and dying. This type of crisis affects the whole self—physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. No single approach or technique is “the answer” when it comes to moving through breakdown to breakthrough.

A Breakthrough Emerges

Thanks to therapy, I chose to look at this crisis as a chance to turn my life around. I took a hard look at what led me into professional hell and became a student of life, relationships, work identity, and change. I jumped into earning a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy, received coaching training, and became a psychotherapist and coach. I also studied hundreds of books, research studies, articles—anything I could get my hands on—about concepts of life change, professional crisis, transition, midlife staging, women’s development, spirituality, health, family dynamics, communication and systems theory, theories of personality, and more.

Along the way, I was startled by the number of women I met who felt as overwhelmed and miserable as I had. I noticed, too, that while some people experience sudden and dramatic change as a crisis and suffer through it, some do not. I needed to understand why.

To learn more, I conducted a national research study on Women Overcoming Professional Crisis: Finding New Meaning in Life and Work, co-sponsored by the Esteemed Woman Foundation. Within the first thirty minutes of announcing my study via email, I received twenty responses from women across the country and outside the United States asking to participate. This work had hit a nerve! The research confirmed something quite amazing: in epidemic proportions, professional women are feeling disempowered and deeply dissatisfied in their professional lives, which in turn leads to other life crises. Ultimately, this dissatisfaction is about a breakdown in the relationships we forge and develop in four key areas: with ourselves, with others, with the world, and with our higher selves. New avenues for help must be found, and this book offers a solid start.

The Power of Stepping Back, Letting Go,
and Saying Yes! to Yourself

Amid the thousands of women who are suffering from a lack of professional empowerment, many have taken courageous steps to face and let go of their limitations and fears, choosing a new path that leads to a life of passion, power, and purpose—in short, success and joy on their terms. Breakdown, Breakthrough presents their compelling and inspiring stories and offers accounts of professional women who have lived through the breakdown of feeling powerless and have overcome their challenges to reinvent themselves in creative, expansive, and meaningful ways from which we all can learn. They share their insights and lessons learned from stepping back to gain a new, widened perspective of their situation, shedding what holds them back and saying yes! to their power to make their life visions a reality.

What’s Ahead

Breakdown, Breakthrough presents a coaching, behavioral, and spiritual framework for examining the patterns that contribute to the disempowerment women face today. This book explains how you can navigate successfully through these breakdown crises, or bypass them altogether, to achieve a more powerful, passionate, and purposeful life.

The introduction, “The Power of Yes!,” explains what crisis and breakdown is, then describes the many benefits of walking away from disempowerment crises and saying yes! to yourself. You’ll learn how these crises impact women, and you’ll understand what it means to feel powerful in life and work.

Chapter 1, “Breakdown in Professional Women—Why Now?,” explores the disempowerment phenomenon midlife professional women are facing. It presents key developmental issues and compelling data that reveal why professional women so often (and understandably) experience “breakdown” and wish to reevaluate their current path.

Chapter 2, “Recognizing When You’re in Professional Crisis,” will help you identify whether you are experiencing a disempowerment crisis or simply having “a tough time.” It outlines the four areas of disempowerment that women typically face in midlife and helps you assess which are problematic for you.

In chapter 3, “A New Model for Empowered Living,” we’ll explore what full empowerment in life and work looks like. The chapter then provides a guide to understanding the root causes of the twelve disempowerment crises, along with the necessary shifts in thinking and action to overcome them. You’ll learn about the power of stepping back, letting go, and saying yes! as key steps toward change.

Each of chapters 4 through 15 examines one of the twelve crises that constitute the full “I Can’t Do This” phenomenon women are facing today. Chapter 4, “Resolving Chronic Health Problems,” presents steps for understanding potential messages behind chronic illness as related to professional malaise.

In chapter 5, the crisis of “Overcoming Loss” reveals how losses in life often lead individuals to rethink their entire existence and focus on new life priorities that create a shift in their professional trajectory. Steps to help heal the emotions concerning loss, and to bring forward parts of yourself in the process, are offered.

Chapter 6, “Achieving Self-Love,” examines ways women relinquish their authentic selves for success. It presents steps for understanding your authentic values, expressing your priorities, and reestablishing integrity and self-respect.

Chapter 7, “Speaking Up with Power,” discusses how women are often unable to advocate for themselves, challenge the status quo, or speak up without fearing or experiencing punishment, criticism, or suppression. Approaches are given to help you understand ways that previous patterns and traumatic incidents of suppression in your life are still being reenacted.

Chapter 8, “Breaking Cycles of Mistreatment,” provides tools for women to address abuse, diminishment, or disrespect. It offers steps to strengthen your boundaries, receive advocacy and support, and protect yourself from systems of mistreatment.

Have you awakened to the realization that continuing to compete, and doing what it takes to remain on top, is simply too difficult or no longer worthwhile? Chapter 9, “Shifting from Competition to Collaboration,” presents steps for shedding the ego-based judgments and crushing competition that lead women to make the wrong choices for themselves. It offers approaches for taking a new life direction away from competition toward authentic values-based living.

Feeling completely stuck—in dissatisfying jobs, in restricting relationships—is a common phenomenon for women, and many see their paralysis as the result of financial constraints. Chapter 10, “Escaping Financial Traps,” explains how to gain strength by revising negative beliefs and actions around money, power, and self-reliance.

Chapter 11, “Using Real Talents in Life and Work,” looks at feeling powerless in your ability to use your gifts, talents, and abilities. It explains the importance of stepping up to use your talents and offers tools for helping you honor and express what you value.

Awakening to a sense of your own mortality and of a longing to make a difference in the world constitutes chapter 12’s crisis, “Helping Others and the World.” This chapter explores your longings for greater meaning and offers recommendations to propel you toward sustainable work that fulfills your life purpose.

Does everything feel like it’s falling apart? Chapter 13, “Falling Together After Falling Apart,” looks at the crisis of key areas in your life coming apart at the seams all at once. It explores steps for releasing your commitment to struggle, accepting positive possibilities, and creating your new life as you want it to be.

Chapter 14, “Balancing Life and Work,” discusses the crisis of failing to balance the demands of work with other key life responsibilities. It uncovers habits of perfectionism and overfunctioning and discusses how to receive help to stop trying to achieve the impossible.

A large number of professional women have simply lost touch with who they are at the core. They struggle with the questions “Who am I in this world and what am I here to do?” Chapter 15, “Doing Work and Play That You Love,” offers new approaches to saying yes! to knowing who you are and believing you can live a life of your dreams.

The concluding chapter, “Claiming Your Passion, Power, and Purpose,” distills the most powerful advice interviewees have shared on ways to move through professional breakdown to breakthrough. This advice is straight from the hearts, minds, and souls of those who have overcome feeling powerless in life and work, and lived to tell the tale.

Real Stories/Real People

The stories presented here are real, based on interviews and conversations conducted in 2006–2007 with more than one hundred professional women across the country. Except where noted, the individuals’ names are real. As far as possible, I’ve retained the specific details of each interviewee’s inspiring story.

In some cases, at an interviewee’s request, I’ve modified identifying information and events to maintain confidentiality. In others, to protect the privacy of the persons involved, I’ve merged specific details of two individuals’ accounts.

Recommended Steps for Stepping Back,
Letting Go, and Saying Yes!

There are thousands of ways to assist individuals who wish to change their lives. Many of these are effective, but no single approach works for everyone. The recommended exercises at the end of each chapter have been selected from years of training, study, and experience. The journal exercises help you step back for new perspective and gain a deeper connection to your inner thoughts and feelings. Use the Breakdown, Breakthrough Journal available at www.elliacommunications.com, or use your own. The coaching exercises offer approaches to letting go of limiting thoughts and actions, and saying yes! to what compels you.

These recommendations have one powerful trait in common: they draw on what you already know at your core. They honor you and how you view the world, and they foster self-acceptance while giving you the courage to move forward.

Here, you’ll find women’s courageous stories of breakdown to breakthrough, along with great advice for others.

What You May Expect Going Forward

Making lasting positive change is not easy, but the rewards are tremendous. As you go through this book and read about others’ experience of breakdown to breakthrough, you may be surprised by new realizations. And unsettling emotions may surface. If this happens and you would like support, please see the helpful resources at the back of this book. Or you may wish to develop your own Breakdown, Breakthrough circle to explore this material and share your thoughts and progress on an ongoing basis.

In the end, Breakdown, Breakthrough will help you redefine success, purpose, and true quality of life in terms that are meaningful to you. Since I have personally experienced each and every one of these crises (some at the same time), I know that these crises can be not only survived but ultimately viewed as blessings that lead to an expansive and enriched life. Awakening to the realization that you are dissatisfied with your situation is the first step to changing it.

Use this book to start you on your way to breakthrough!