第45章
Yes, he was conscious--he was very conscious; so Bernard reflected during the two or three first days of his visit to his friend.
Gordon knew it must seem strange to so irreverent a critic that a man who had once aspired to the hand of so intelligent a girl--putting other things aside--as Angela Vivian should, as the Ghost in "Hamlet" says, have "declined upon" a young lady who, in force of understanding, was so very much Miss Vivian's inferior; and this knowledge kept him ill at his ease and gave him a certain pitiable awkwardness.
Bernard's sense of the anomaly grew rapidly less acute; he made various observations which helped it to seem natural.
Blanche was wonderfully pretty; she was very graceful, innocent, amusing. Since Gordon had determined to marry a little goose, he had chosen the animal with extreme discernment.
It had quite the plumage of a swan, and it sailed along the stream of life with an extraordinary lightness of motion.
He asked himself indeed at times whether Blanche were really so silly as she seemed; he doubted whether any woman could be so silly as Blanche seemed. He had a suspicion at times that, for ends of her own, she was playing a part--the suspicion arising from the fact that, as usually happens in such cases, she over-played it. Her empty chatter, her futility, her childish coquetry and frivolity--such light wares could hardly be the whole substance of any woman's being; there was something beneath them which Blanche was keeping out of sight.
She had a scrap of a mind somewhere, and even a little particle of a heart. If one looked long enough one might catch a glimpse of these possessions. But why should she keep them out of sight, and what were the ends that she proposed to serve by this uncomfortable perversity? Bernard wondered whether she were fond of her husband, and he heard it intimated by several good people in New York who had had some observation of the courtship, that she had married him for his money.
He was very sorry to find that this was taken for granted, and he determined, on the whole, not to believe it.
He was disgusted with the idea of such a want of gratitude; for, if Gordon Wright had loved Miss Evers for herself, the young lady might certainly have discovered the intrinsic value of so disinterested a suitor. Her mother had the credit of having made the match. Gordon was known to be looking for a wife;
Mrs. Evers had put her little feather-head of a daughter very much forward, and Gordon was as easily captivated as a child by the sound of a rattle. Blanche had an affection for him now, however; Bernard saw no reason to doubt that, and certainly she would have been a very flimsy creature indeed if she had not been touched by his inexhaustible kindness.
She had every conceivable indulgence, and if she married him for his money, at least she had got what she wanted.
She led the most agreeable life conceivable, and she ought to be in high good-humor. It was impossible to have a prettier house, a prettier carriage, more jewels and laces for the adornment of a plump little person. It was impossible to go to more parties, to give better dinners, to have fewer privations or annoyances. Bernard was so much struck with all this that, advancing rapidly in the intimacy of his gracious hostess, he ventured to call her attention to her blessings.
She answered that she was perfectly aware of them, and there was no pretty speech she was not prepared to make about Gordon.
"I know what you want to say," she went on; "you want to say that he spoils me, and I don't see why you should hesitate.
You generally say everything you want, and you need n't be afraid of me. He does n't spoil me, simply because I am so bad I can't be spoiled; but that 's of no consequence.
I was spoiled ages ago; every one spoiled me--every one except Mrs. Vivian. I was always fond of having everything I want, and I generally managed to get it. I always had lovely clothes; mamma thought that was a kind of a duty. If it was a duty, I don't suppose it counts as a part of the spoiling.
But I was very much indulged, and I know I have everything now.
Gordon is a perfect husband; I believe if I were to ask him for a present of his nose, he would cut it off and give it to me.
I think I will ask him for a small piece of it some day; it will rather improve him to have an inch or two less.
I don't say he 's handsome; but he 's just as good as he can be.
Some people say that if you are very fond of a person you always think them handsome; but I don't agree with that at all.
I am very fond of Gordon, and yet I am not blinded by affection, as regards his personal appearance. He 's too light for my taste, and too red. And because you think people handsome, it does n't follow that you are fond of them. I used to have a friend who was awfully handsome--the handsomest man I ever saw--and I was perfectly conscious of his defects. But I 'm not conscious of Gordon's, and I don't believe he has got any.
He 's so intensely kind; it 's quite pathetic. One would think he had done me an injury in marrying me, and that he wanted to make up for it. If he has done me an injury I have n't discovered it yet, and I don't believe I ever shall. I certainly shall not as long as he lets me order all the clothes I want.
I have ordered five dresses this week, and I mean to order two more. When I told Gordon, what do you think he did?
He simply kissed me. Well, if that 's not expressive, I don't know what he could have done. He kisses me about seventeen times a day. I suppose it 's very improper for a woman to tell any one how often her husband kisses her; but, as you happen to have seen him do it, I don't suppose you will be scandalized. I know you are not easily scandalized;
I am not afraid of you. You are scandalized at my getting so many dresses? Well, I told you I was spoiled--I freely acknowledge it. That 's why I was afraid to tell Gordon--because when I was married I had such a lot of things;
I was supposed to have dresses enough to last for a year.