第47章

Matters went very badly indeed in the parsonage at Hogglestock. On the Friday morning, the morning of the day after his committal, Mr Crawley got up very early, long before the daylight, and dressing himself in the dark, groped his way downstairs. His wife having vainly striven to persuade him to remain where he was, followed him into the cold room below with a lighted candle. She found him standing with his hat on and with his old cloak, as though he were prepared to go out. 'Why do you do this?' she said. 'You will make yourself ill with the cold and the night air; and then you, and I too, will be worse than we now are.'

'We cannot be worse. You cannot be worse, and for me it does not signify. Let it pass.'

'I will not let you pass, Josiah. Be a man and bear it. Ask God for strength, instead of seeking it in an over-indulgence of your own sorrow.'

'Indulgence!'

'Yes, love;--indulgence. It is indulgence. You will allow your mind to dwell on nothing for a moment but your own wrongs.'

'What else have I that I can think of? Is not all the world against me?'

'Am I against you?'

'Sometimes I think you are. When you accuse me of self-indulgence you are against me--me, who for myself have desired nothing but to be allowed to do my duty, and to have bread enough to keep me alive, and clothes to make me decent.'

'Is it not self-indulgence, this giving way to grief? Who would know so well as you how to teach the lesson of endurance to others? Come, love.

Lay down your hat. It cannot be fitting that you should go out into the wet and cold of the raw morning.'

For a moment he hesitated, but as she raised her hand to take his cloak from him he drew back from her, and would not permit it. 'I shall find those up whom I want to see,' he said. 'I must visit my flock, and Idare not go through the parish by daylight lest they hoot after me as a thief.'

'Not one in Hogglestock would say a word to insult you.'

'Would they not? The very children in the school whisper at me. Let me pass, I say. It has not yet come to that, that I should be stopped in my egress and ingress. They have--bailed me; and while their bail lasts, Imay go where I will.'

'Oh, Josiah, what words to me! Have I ever stopped your liberty? Would I not give my life to secure it?'

'Let me go, then, now. I tell you that I have business in hand.'

'But I will go with you. I well be ready in an instant.'

'You go! Why should you go? Are there not the children for you to mind?'

'There is only Jane.'

'Stay with her, then. Why should you go about the parish?' She still held him by the cloak, and looked anxiously up into his face. 'Woman,' he said, raising his voice, 'what is that you dread? I command you to tell me what it is you fear?' He had now taken hold of her by the shoulder, slightly thrusting her from him, so that he might see her face, by the dim light of the single candle. 'Speak, I say. What is it that you think I shall do?'

'Dearest, I know that you will be better at home, better with me, than you can be on such a morning as this out in the cold damp air.'

'And is that all?' He looked hard at her, while she returned his gaze with beseeching loving eyes. 'It there nothing behind, that you will not tell me?'

She paused for a moment before she replied. She had never lied to him.

She could not lie to him. 'I wish you knew my heart towards you,' she said, 'with all and everything in it.'

'I know your heart well, but I want to know your mind. Why would you persuade me not to go out among my poor?'

'Because it will be bad for you to be out alone in the dark lanes, in the mud and wet, thinking of your sorrow. You will brood over it till you will lose your senses through the intensity of your grief. You will stand out in the cold air, forgetful of everything around you, till your limbs will be numbed, and your blood chilled--'

'And then--?'

'Oh, Josiah, do not hold me like that, and look at me so angrily.'

'And even then I will bear my burden till the Lord in His mercy shall see fit to relieve me. Even then I will endure, though a bare bodkin or leaf of hemlock would put an end to it. Let me pass on; you need fear nothing.'

She did let him pass without another word, and he went out of the house, shutting the door after him noiselessly, and closing the wicket gate of the garden. For a while she sat herself down on the nearest chair, and tried to make up her mind how she might best treat him in his present state of mind. As regarded the present morning her heart was at ease.

She new that he would do now nothing of that which she had apprehended.

She could trust him not to be false in his word to her, though she could not before have trusted him not to commit so much heavier a sin. If he would really employ himself from morning till night among the poor, he would be better so--his trouble would be easier of endurance--than with any other employment which he could adopt. What she most dreaded was that he should sit idle over the fire and do nothing. When he was so seated she could read his mind, as though it was open to her as a book.