第259章

'Your kind heart will doubtless prompt you to tell me that no clergyman could be safe in his parish if he were to allow the opinion of chance parishioners to prevail against him;and you would probably lay down for my guidance the grand old doctrine "Nil conscire sibi; nulla pallescere culpa."Presuming that you may do so, I will acknowledge such guidance to be good. If my mind were clear in this matter, Iwould not budge an inch for any farmer--no, nor for any bishop, further than he might by law compel me! But my mind is not clear. I do grow pale, and my hairs stands on end with horror, as I confess to myself that I do not know whether I stole this money or no! Such is the fact. In all sincerity I tell you that I know not whether I be guilty or innocent. It may be that I picked up the cheque from the floor of my room, and afterwards took it out and used it, not knowing whence it had come to me. If it be so, I stole it, and am guilty before the laws of my country. If it be so, I am not fit to administer the Lord's sacraments to these people. When the cup was last in my hand and I was blessing them, I felt that I was not fit, and I almost dropped the chalice. That God will know my weakness and pardon me the perplexity of my mind--that is between Him and His creature.

'As I read my letter over to myself I feel how weak are my words, and how inefficient to explain to you the exact position in which I stand; but they will suffice to convince you that I am assuredly purposed to resign this parish of Hogglestock, and that it is therefore incumbent on you, as patron of the living, to nominate my successor to the benefice. I have only further to ask your pardon for this long letter, and to thank you again for the many and great marks of friendship which you have conferred on me. Alas, could you have foreseen in those old days how barren of all good would have been the life of him you then esteemed, you might perhaps have escaped the disgrace of being called the friend of one whom no one now regards with esteem.--Nevertheless, I may still say that I am, with all affection, yours truly, 'JOSIAH CRAWLEY' The last paragraph of the letter was also added, since his wife had read it. When he had first composed the letter, he had been somewhat proud of his words, thinking that he had clearly told his story. But, when sitting alone at his desk, he read it again, filling his mind as he went on with ideas which he would fain have expressed to his old friend, were it not that he feared to indulge himself with too many words, he began to tell himself that his story was anything but well told. There was no expression there of the Hoggethan doctrine. In answer to such a letter as that the dean might well say, 'Think again of it. Try yet to save yourself. Never mind the two farmers, or Mr Thumble, or the bishop.

Stick to the ship while there is a plank above the water.' Whereas it had been his desire to use words that should make the dean clearly understand that the thing was decided. He had failed--as he had failed in everything throughout his life; but nevertheless the letter must go.

Were he to begin again he would not do it better. So he added to what he had written a copy of his note to the bishop, and the letter was fastened and sent.

Mrs Crawley might probably have been more instant in her efforts to stop the letter, had she not felt that it would not decide everything. In the first place it was improbable that the letter might not reach the dean till after his return home--and Mrs Crawley had long since made up her mind that she would see the dean as soon as possible after his return.

She had heard from Lady Lufton that it was not doubted in Barchester that he would be back at any rate before the judges came into the city.

And then, in the next place, was it probable that the dean would act upon such a letter by filling up the vacancy, even if he did get it? She trusted in the dean, and knew that he would help them, if any help were possible. Should the verdict go against her husband, then indeed it might be that no help would be possible. In such case she thought that the bishop with his commission might prevail. But she still believed that the verdict would be favourable, if not with an assured belief, still with a hope that was sufficient to stand in lieu of a belief. No single man, let alone no twelve men, could think that her husband had intended to appropriate the money dishonestly. That he had taken it improperly--without real possession--she herself believed; but he had not taken it as a thief, and could not merit a thief's punishment. After two days he got a reply from the bishop's chaplain, in which the chaplain expressed the bishop's commendation of Mr Crawley's present conduct. 'Mr Thumble shall proceed from hence to Hogglestock on next Sunday,' said the chaplain, 'and shall relieve you for the present from the burden of your duties. As to the future status of the parish, it will perhaps be best that nothing shall be done till the dean returns --or perhaps till the assizes shall be over. This is the bishop's opinion.' It need hardly be explained that the promised visit of Mr Thumble to Hogglestock was gall and wormwood to Mr Crawley. He had told the dean that should Mr Thumble come, he would endeavour to learn something even from him. But it may be doubted whether Mr Crawley in his present mood could learn anything useful from Mr Thumble. Giles Hoggett was a much more effective teacher.

'I will endure even that,' he said to his wife, as she handed to him back the letter from the bishop's chaplain.