第117章

And, subsequently, accuracy of knowledge had been necessary for the earning of her bread. I think that Grace had at times been weak enough to envy the idleness and almost envy the ignorance of other girls. Her figure was light, perfect in symmetry, full of grace at all points; but she had thought nothing of her figure, remembering only the poverty of her dress, but remembering also with a brave resolution that she would never be ashamed of it. And as her acquaintance with Major Grantly had begun and had grown, and as she had learned to feel unconsciously that his company was pleasanter to her than that of any other person she knew, she had still told herself that anything like love must be out of the question. But then words had been spoken, and there had been glances in his eye, and a tone in his voice, and a touch upon his fingers, of which she could not altogether refuse to accept the meaning. And others had spoken of it, the two Miss Prettymans and her friend Lily. Yet she would not admit to herself that it could be so, and she would not allow herself to confess to herself that she loved him. Then had come the last killing misery to which her father had been subjected. He had been accused of stealing money, and had been committed to be tried for the theft. From that moment, at any rate, any hope, if there had been a hope, must be crushed. But she swore to herself bravely that there had been no such hope. And she assured herself also that nothing had passed which had entitled her to expect anything beyond ordinary friendship from the man of whom she certainly had thought much. Even if those touches and those tones and those glances had meant anything, all such meaning must be annihilated by this disgrace which had come upon her.

She might know that her father was innocent; but the world thought differently, and she, her brothers and sister, and her mother and her poor father, must bend to the world's opinion. If those dangerous joys had meant anything, they must be taken as meaning nothing more.

Thus she had argued with herself, and, fortified by such self-teachings, she had come down to Allington. Since she had been with her friends there had come upon her from day to day a clear conviction that her arguments had been undoubtedly true--a clear conviction which had been very cold to her heart in spite of all her courage. She had expected nothing, hoped for nothing, and yet when nothing came she was sad. She thought of one special half-hour in which he had said almost all that he might have said --more than he ought to have said;--of a moment during which her hand had remained in his; of a certain pressure with which he had put her shawl upon her shoulders. If he had only written to her one word to tell her that he believed her father was innocent! But no; she had no right to expect anything from him. And then Lily had ceased to talk of him, and she did expect nothing. Now he was there before her, asking her to come to him and be his wife. Yes; she would kiss his shoebuckles, only that the kissing of his shoebuckles would bring upon him that injury which he should never suffer from her hands! He had been generous, and her self-pride was satisfied. But her other pride was touched, and she also would be generous. 'Can you not bring yourself to give me some answer?' he had said to her. Of course she must give him an answer, but how would she give it?

'You are very kind,' she said.

'I would be more than kind.'

'So you are. Kind is a cold word when used to such a friend at such a time.'

'I would be everything on earth to you that a man can be to a woman.'

'I know I ought to thank you if I knew how. My heart is full of thanks;it is indeed.'

'And is there no room for love there?'

'There is no room for love in our house, Major Grantly. You have not seen papa.'

'No; but if you wish, I will do so at once.'

'It would to do no good;--none. I only asked you because you can hardly know how sad is our state at home.'

'But I cannot see that that need deter you, if you can love me.'

'Can you not? If you saw him, and the house, and my mother, you would not say so. In the Bible it is said of some season that it is not a time for marrying, or giving in marriage. And so it is with us.'

'I am not pressing you as to a day. I only ask you to say that you will be engaged to me--so that I may tell my own people, and let it be known.'

'I understand all that. I know how good you are. But, Major Grantly, you must understand me also when I assure you that it cannot be so.'

'Do you mean to refuse me altogether?'

'Yes; altogether.'

'And why?'

'Must I answer that question? Ought I to be made to answer it? But Iwill tell you fairly, without touching on anything else, that I feel that we are all disgraced, and that I will not take that disgrace into another family.'

'Grace, do you love me?'

'I love no one now--that is, as you mean. I can love no one. I have no room for any feeling except for my father and mother, and for us all. Ishould not be here now but that I save my mother the bread that I should eat at home.'

'Is it as bad as that?'

'Yes, it is as bad as that. It is much worse than that, if you knew it all. You cannot conceive how low we have fallen. And now they tell me that my father will be found guilty, and will be sent to prison. Putting ourselves out of the question, what would you think of a girl who could engage herself to any man under such circumstances? What would you think of a girl who would allow herself to be in love in such a position? Had I been ten times engaged to you, I would have broken it off.' And then she got up to leave him.

But he stopped her, holding her by the arm. 'What you have said will make me say what I certainly should have said without it. I declare that we are engaged.'

'No, we are not,' said Grace.

'You have told me that you loved me.'

'I never told you so.'

'There are other ways of speaking than the voice; and I will boast to you, though to no one else, that you have told me so. I believe you love me. I shall hold myself engaged to you, and I shall think you false if Ihear that you listen to another man. Now, good-bye, Grace;--my own Grace.'

'No, I am not your own,' she said, through her tears.

'You are my own, my very own. God bless you, dear, dear, dearest Grace.

You shall hear from me in a day or two, and shall see me as soon as this horrid trial is over.' Then he took her in his arms before she could escape from him, and kissed her forehead and her lips, while she struggled in his arms. After that he left the room and the house as quickly as he could, and was seen no more of the Dales upon that occasion.