第66章 CHAPTER II.(1)
In the following part of my history it will appear I often had much money concealed under the ground and in the walls of my den, yet would I have given a hundred ducats for a morsel of bread, it could not have been procured. Money was to me useless. In this Iresembled the miser, who hoards, yet hives in wretchedness, having no joy in gentle acts of benevolence. As proudly might I delight myself with my hidden treasure as such misers; nay, more, for I was secure from robbers.
Had fastidious pomp been my pleasure, I might have imagined myself some old field-marshal bedridden, who hears two grenadier sentinels at his door call, "Who goes there?" My honour, indeed, was still greater; for, during my last year's imprisonment, my door was guarded by no less than four. My vanity also might have been flattered: I might hence conclude how high was the value set upon my head, since all this trouble was taken to hold me in security.
Certain it is that in my chains I thought more rationally, more nobly, reasoned more philosophically on man, his nature, his zeal, his imaginary wants, the effects of his ambition, his passions, and saw more distinctly his dream of earthly good, than those who had imprisoned, or those who guarded me. I was void of the fears that haunt the parasite who servilely wears the fetters of a court, and daily trembles for the loss of what vice and cunning have acquired.
Those who had usurped the Sclavonian estates, and feasted sumptuously from the service of plate I had been robbed of, never ate their dainties with so sweet an appetite as I my ammunition bread, nor did their high-flavoured wines flow so limpid as my cold water.
Thus, the man who thinks, being pure of heart, will find consolation when under the most dreadful calamities, convinced, as he must be, that those apparently most are frequently least happy, insensible as they are of the pleasures they might enjoy. Evil is never so great as it appears.
"Sweet are the uses of adversity, Which, like the toad, ugly and venomous, Wears yet a precious jewel in his head."As you LIKE IT.
Happy he who, like me, having suffered, can become an example to his suffering brethren!
YOUTH, prosperous, and imagining eternal prosperity, read my history attentively, though I should be in my grave! Read feelingly, and bless my sleeping dust, if it has taught thee wisdom or fortitude!
FATHER, reading this, say to thy children, I felt thus like them, in blooming youth, little prophesied of misfortune, which after fell so heavy on me, and by which I am even still persecuted! Say that Ihad virtue, ambition, was educated in noble principles; that Ilaboured with all the zeal of enthusiastic youth to become wiser, better, greater than other men; that I was guilty of no crimes, was the friend of men, was no deceiver of man or woman; that I first served my own country faithfully, and after, every other in which Ifound bread; that I was never, during life, once intoxicated; was no gamester, no night rambler, no contemptible idler; that yet, through envy and arbitrary power, I have fallen to misery such as none but the worst of criminals ought to feel.
BROTHER, fly those countries where the lawgiver himself knows no law, where truth and virtue are punished as crimes; and, if fly you cannot, be it your endeavour to remain unknown, unnoticed; in such countries, seek not favour or honourable employ, else will you become, when your merits are known, as I have been, the victim of slander and treachery: the behests of power will persecute you, and innocence will not shield you from the shafts of wicked men who are envious, or who wish to obtain the favour of princes, though by the worst of means.
SIRE, imagine not that thou readest a romance. My head is grey, like thine. Read, yet despise not the world, though it has treated me thus unthankfully. Good men have I also found, who have befriended me in misfortunes, and there, where I had least claim, have I found them most. May my book assist thee in noble thoughts;mayest thou die as tranquilly as I shall render up my soul to appear before the Judge of me and my persecutors. Be death but thought a transition from motion to rest. Few are the delights of this world for him who, like me, has learned to know it. Murmur not, despair not of Providence. Me, through storms, it has brought to haven;through many griefs to self-knowledge; and through prisons to philosophy. He only can tranquilly descend to annihilation who finds reason not to repent he has once existed. My rudder broke not amid the rocks and quicksands, but my bark was cast upon the strand of knowledge. Yet, even on these clear shores are impenetrable clouds. I have seen more distinctly than it is supposed men ought to see. Age will decay the faculties, and mental, like bodily sight, must then decrease. I even grew weary of science, and envied the blind-born, or those who, till death, have been wilfully hoodwinked. How often have I been asked, "What didst thou see?"And when I answered with sincerity and truth, how often have I been derided as a liar, and been persecuted by those who determined not to see themselves, as an innovator singular and rash!
Sire, I further say to thee, teach thy descendants to seek the golden mean, and say with Gellert--"The boy Fritz needs nothing;--his stupidity will insure his success, Examine our wealthy and titled lords, what are their abilities and honours, then inquire how they were attained, and, if thou canst, discover in what true happiness consists."Once more to my prison. The failure of my escape, and the recovery of life from this state of despair, led me to moralise deeper than Ihad ever done before; and in this depth of thought I found unexpected consolation and fortitude, and a firm persuasion I yet should accomplish my deliverance.