第61章 AFTER THE DANCE(3)
"When I went home, and began to undress for the night, I found it quite out of the question. held the little feather out of her fan in my hand, and one of her gloves which she gave me when I helped her into the carriage after her mother.
Looking at these things, and without closing my eyes I could see her before me as she was for an instant when she had to choose between two part-ners. She tried to guess what kind of person was represented in me, and I could hear her sweet voice as she said, 'Pride--am I right?' and merrily gave me her hand. At supper she took the first sip from my glass of champagne, looking at me over the rim with her caressing glance. But, plainest of all, I could see her as she danced with her father, gliding along beside him, and looking at the admiring observers with pride and happi-ness.
"He and she were united in my mind in one rush of pathetic tenderness.
"I was living then with my brother, who has since died. He disliked going out, and never went to dances; and besides, he was busy preparing for his last university examinations, and was leading a very regular life. He was asleep. I looked at him, his head buried in the pillow and half covered with the quilt; and I affectionately pitied him, pitied him for his ignorance of the bliss I was ex-periencing. Our serf Petrusha had met me with a candle, ready to undress me, but I sent him away.
His sleepy face and tousled hair seemed to me so touching. Trying not to make a noise, I went to my room on tiptoe and sat down on my bed. No, I was too happy; I could not sleep. Besides, it was too hot in the rooms. Without taking off my uniform, I went quietly into the hall, put on my overcoat, opened the front door and stepped out into the street.
"It was after four when I had left the ball; going home and stopping there a while had occu-pied two hours, so by the time I went out it was dawn. It was regular carnival weather--foggy, and the road full of water-soaked snow just melt-ing, and water dripping from the eaves. Varin-ka's family lived on the edge of town near a large field, one end of which was a parade ground: at the other end was a boarding-school for young ladies. I passed through our empty little street and came to the main thoroughfare, where I met pedestrians and sledges laden with wood, the run-ners grating the road. The horses swung with regular paces beneath their shining yokes, their backs covered with straw mats and their heads wet with rain; while the drivers, in enormous boots, splashed through the mud beside the sledges. All this, the very horses themselves, seemed to me stimulating and fascinating, full of suggestion.
"When I approached the field near their house, I saw at one end of it, in the direction of the pa-rade ground, something very huge and black, and I heard sounds of fife and drum proceeding from it. My heart had been full of song, and I had heard in imagination the tune of the mazurka, but this was very harsh music. It was not pleas-ant.
"'What can that be?' I thought, and went towards the sound by a slippery path through the centre of the field. Walking about a hundred paces, I began to distinguish many black objects through the mist. They were evidently soldiers.
'It is probably a drill,' I thought.
"So I went along in that direction in company with a blacksmith, who wore a dirty coat and an apron, and was carrying something. He walked ahead of me as we approached the place. The soldiers in black uniforms stood in two rows, fac-ing each other motionless, their guns at rest. Be-hind them stood the fifes and drums, incessantly repeating the same unpleasant tune.
"'What are they doing?' I asked the black-smith, who halted at my side.
"'A Tartar is being beaten through the ranks for his attempt to desert,' said the blacksmith in an angry tone, as he looked intently at the far end of the line.
"I looked in the same direction, and saw be-tween the files something horrid approaching me.