第39章

They hain't got any principles.They know how to cater for the public.They know what the public wants, North & South.Showmen, sir, is honest men.Ef you doubt their literary ability, look at their posters, and see small bills! Ef you want a Cabinit as is a Cabinit fill it up with showmen, but don't call on me.The moral wax figger perfeshun musn't be permitted to go down while there's a drop of blood in these vains! A.Linkin, I wish you well! Ef Powers or Walcutt wus to pick out a model for a beautiful man, Iscarcely think they'd sculp you; but ef you do the fair thing by your country you'll make as putty a angel as any of us! A.Linkin, use the talents which Nature has put into you judishusly and firmly, and all will be well! A.Linkin, adoo!"He shook me cordyully by the hand--we exchanged picters, so we could gaze upon each other's liniments, when far away from one another--he at the hellum of the ship of State, and I at the hellum of the show bizniss--admittance only 15 cents.

1.32.INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON.

Notwithstandin I hain't writ much for the papers of late, nobody needn't flatter theirselves that the undersined is ded.On the contry, "I still live," which words was spoken by Danyil Webster, who was a able man.Even the old-line whigs of Boston will admit THAT.Webster is ded now, howsever, and his mantle has probly fallen into the hands of sum dealer in 2nd hand close, who can't sell it.Leastways nobody pears to be goin round wearin it to any perticler extent, now days.The rigiment of whom I was kurnel, finerly concluded they was better adapted as Home Gards, which accounts for your not hearin of me, ear this, where the bauls is the thickest and where the cannon doth roar.But as a American citizen I shall never cease to admire the masterly advance our troops made on Washinton from Bull Run, a short time ago.It was well dun.I spoke to my wife 'bout it at the time.My wife sed it was well dun.

It havin there4 bin detarmined to pertect Baldinsville at all hazzuds, and as there was no apprehensions of any immejit danger, Ithought I would go orf onto a pleasure tower.Accordinly I put on a clean Biled Shirt and started for Washinton.I went there to see the Prints Napoleon, and not to see the place, which I will here take occasion to obsarve is about as uninterestin a locality as there is this side of J.Davis's future home, if he ever does die, and where I reckon they'll make it so warm for him that he will si for his summer close.It is easy enough to see why a man goes to the poor house or the penitentiary.It's becawz he can't help it.

But why he should woluntarily go and live in Washinton, is intirely beyond my comprehension, and I can't say no fairer nor that.

I put up to a leadin hotel.I saw the landlord and sed, "How d'ye do, Square?""Fifty cents, sir," was his reply.

"Sir?"

"Half-a-dollar.We charge twenty-five cents for LOOKIN at the landlord and fifty cents for speakin to him.If you want supper, a boy will show you to the dinin-room for twenty-five cents.Your room bein in the tenth story, it will cost you a dollar to be shown up there.""How much do you ax for a man breathin in this equinomikal tarvun?"sed I.

"Ten cents a Breth," was his reply.

Washinton hotels is very reasonable in their charges.[N.B.--This is Sarkassum.]

I sent up my keerd to the Prints, and was immejitly ushered before him.He received me kindly, and axed me to sit down.

"I hav cum to pay my respecks to you, Mister Napoleon, hopin I see you hale and harty.""I am quite well," he sed."Air you well, sir?""Sound as a cuss!" I answerd.

He seemed to be pleased with my ways, and we entered into conversation to onct.

"How's Lewis?" I axed, and he sed the Emperor was well.Eugeny was likewise well, he sed.Then I axed him was Lewis a good provider?

did he cum home arly nites? did he perfoom her bedroom at a onseasonable hour with gin and tanzy? Did he go to "the Lodge" on nites when there wasn't any Lodge? did he often hav to go down town to meet a friend? did he hav a extensiv acquaintance among poor young widders whose husbands was in Californy? to all of which questions the Prints perlitely replide, givin me to understand that the Emperor was behavin well.

"I ax these question, my royal duke and most noble hiness and imperials, becaws I'm anxious to know how he stands as a man.Iknow he's smart.He is cunnin, he is long-heded, he is deep--he is grate.But onless he is GOOD he'll come down with a crash one of these days and the Bonyparts will be Bustid up agin.Bet yer life!""Air you a preacher, sir?" he inquired slitely sarkasticul.

"No, sir.But I bleeve in morality.I likewise bleeve in Meetin Houses.Show me a place where there isn't any Meetin Houses and where preachers is never seen, and I'll show you a place where old hats air stuffed into broken winders, where the children air dirty and ragged, where gates have no hinges, where the wimin are slipshod, and where maps of the devil's "wild land" air painted upon men's shirt bosums with tobacco-jooce! That's what I'll show you.Let us consider what the preachers do for us before we aboose 'em."He sed he didn't mean to aboose the clergy.Not at all, and he was happy to see that I was interested in the Bonypart family.

"It's a grate family," sed I."But they scooped the old man in.""How, Sir?"

"Napoleon the Grand.The Britishers scooped him at Waterloo.He wanted to do too much, and he did it! They scooped him in at Waterloo, and he subsekently died at St.Heleny! There's where the gratest military man this world ever projuced pegged out.It was rather hard to consine such a man as him to St.Heleny, to spend his larst days in catchin mackeril, and walkin up and down the dreary beach in a military cloak drawn titely round him, (see picter-books), but so it was.'Hed of the Army!' Them was his larst words.So he had bin.He was grate! Don't I wish we had a pair of his old boots to command sum of our Brigades!"This pleased Jerome, and he took me warmly by the hand.