第74章

And Brown, that old newspaper-devouring miscreant, what right has HE at a club at a decent hour of night? He ought to be playing his rubber with Miss MacWhirter, his wife, and the family apothecary.His candle ought to be brought to him at ten o'clock, and he should retire to rest just as the young people were thinking of a dance.

How much finer, simpler, nobler are the several employments I have sketched out for these gentlemen than their present nightly orgies at the horrid Club.

And, ladies, think of men who do not merely frequent the dining-room and library, but who use other apartments of those horrible dens which it is my purpose to batter down; think of Cannon, the wretch, with his coat off, at his age and size, clattering the balls over the billiard-table all night, and making bets with that odious Captain Spot!--think of Pam in a dark room with Bob Trumper, Jack Deuceace, and Charley Vole, playing, the poor dear misguided wretch, guinea points and five pounds on the rubber!--above all, think--oh, think of that den of abomination, which, I am told, has been established in SOME clubs, called THE SMOKING-ROOM,--think of the debauchees who congregate there, the quantities of reeking whisky-punch or more dangerous sherry-cobbler which they consume;--think of them coming home at cock-crow and letting themselves into the quiet house with the Chubb key;-- think of them, the hypocrites, taking off their insidious boots before they slink upstairs, the children sleeping overhead, the wife of their bosom alone with the waning rushlight in the two-pair front--that chamber so soon to be rendered hateful by the smell of their stale cigars: I am not an advocate of violence; Iam not, by nature, of an incendiary turn of mind: but if, my dear ladies, you are for assassinating Mr.Chubb and burning down Club-houses in St.James's, there is ONESnob at who will not think the worse of you.

The only men who, as I opine, ought to be allowed the use of Clubs, are married men without a profession.The continual presence of these in a house cannot be thought, even by the most loving of wives, desirable.

Say the girls are beginning to practise their music, which in an honourable English family, ought to occupy every young gentlewoman three hours; it would be rather hard to call upon poor papa to sit in the drawing-room all that time, and listen to the interminable discords and shrieks which are elicited from the miserable piano during the above necessary operation.A man with a good ear, especially, would go mad, if compelled daily to submit to this horror.

Or suppose you have a fancy to go to the milliner's, or to Howell and James's, it is manifest, my dear Madam, that your husband is much better at the Club during these operations than by your side in the carriage, or perched in wonder upon one of the stools at Shawl and Gimcrack's, whilst young counter-dandies are displaying their wares.

This sort of husbands should be sent out after breakfast, and if not Members of Parliament, or Directors of a Railroad, or an Insurance Company, should be put into their clubs, and told to remain there until dinner-time.

No sight is more agreeable to my truly regulated mind than to see the noble characters so worthily employed.

Whenever I pass by St.James's Street, having the privilege, like the rest of the world, of looking in at the windows of 'Blight's,' or 'Foodle's,' or 'Snook's,'

or the great bay at the 'Contemplative Club,' I behold with respectful appreciation the figures within--the honest rosy old fogies, the mouldy old dandies, the waist-belts and glossy wigs and tight cravats of those most vacuous and respectable men.Such men are best there during the day-time surely.When you part with them, dear ladies, think of the rapture consequent on their return.You have transacted your household affairs; you have made your purchases; you have paid your visits; you have aired your poodle in the Park; your French maid has completed the toilette which renders you so ravishingly beautiful by candlelight, and you are fit to make home pleasant to him who has been absent all day.

Such men surely ought to have their Clubs, and we will not class them among Club Snobs therefore:--on whom let us reserve our attack for the next chapter.