第15章 COVERDALE'S SICK-CHAMBER(2)

The education of Christianity, it is true, the sympathy of a like experience and the example of women, may soften and, possibly, subvert this ugly characteristic of our sex; but it is originally there, and has likewise its analogy in the practice of our brute brethren, who hunt the sick or disabled member of the herd from among them, as an enemy.It is for this reason that the stricken deer goes apart, and the sick lion grimly withdraws himself into his den.Except in love, or the attachments of kindred, or other very long and habitual affection, we really have no tenderness.But there was something of the woman moulded into the great, stalwart frame of Hollingsworth; nor was he ashamed of it, as men often are of what is best in them, nor seemed ever to know that there was such a soft place in his heart.I knew it well, however, at that time, although afterwards it came nigh to be forgotten.Methought there could not be two such men alive as Hollingsworth.There never was any blaze of a fireside that warmed and cheered me, in the down-sinkings and shiverings of my spirit, so effectually as did the light out of those eyes, which lay so deep and dark under his shaggy brows.

Happy the man that has such a friend beside him when he comes to die!

and unless a friend like Hollingsworth be at hand,--as most probably there will not,--he had better make up his mind to die alone.How many men, I wonder, does one meet with in a lifetime, whom he would choose for his deathbed companions! At the crisis of my fever I besought Hollingsworth to let nobody else enter the room, but continually to make me sensible of his own presence by a grasp of the hand, a word, a prayer, if he thought good to utter it; and that then he should be the witness how courageously I would encounter the worst.It still impresses me as almost a matter of regret that I did not die then, when I had tolerably made up my mind to it; for Hollingsworth would have gone with me to the hither verge of life, and have sent his friendly and hopeful accents far over on the other side, while I should be treading the unknown path.Now, were I to send for him, he would hardly come to my bedside, nor should Idepart the easier for his presence.

"You are not going to die, this time," said he, gravely smiling."You know nothing about sickness, and think your case a great deal more desperate than it is.""Death should take me while I am in the mood," replied I, with a little of my customary levity.

"Have you nothing to do in life," asked Hollingsworth, "that you fancy yourself so ready to leave it?""Nothing," answered I; "nothing that I know of, unless to make pretty verses, and play a part, with Zenobia and the rest of the amateurs, in our pastoral.It seems but an unsubstantial sort of business, as viewed through a mist of fever.But, dear Hollingsworth, your own vocation is evidently to be a priest, and to spend your days and nights in helping your fellow creatures to draw peaceful dying breaths.""And by which of my qualities," inquired he, "can you suppose me fitted for this awful ministry?""By your tenderness," I said." It seems to me the reflection of God's own love.""And you call me tender!" repeated Hollingsworth thoughtfully."Ishould rather say that the most marked trait in my character is an inflexible severity of purpose.Mortal man has no right to be so inflexible as it is my nature and necessity to be.""I do not believe it," I replied.

But, in due time, I remembered what he said.

Probably, as Hollingsworth suggested, my disorder was never so serious as, in my ignorance of such matters, I was inclined to consider it.After so much tragical preparation, it was positively rather mortifying to find myself on the mending hand.

All the other members of the Community showed me kindness, according to the full measure of their capacity.Zenobia brought me my gruel every day, made by her own hands (not very skilfully, if the truth must be told), and, whenever I seemed inclined to converse, would sit by my bedside, and talk with so much vivacity as to add several gratuitous throbs to my pulse.Her poor little stories and tracts never half did justice to her intellect.It was only the lack of a fitter avenue that drove her to seek development in literature.She was made (among a thousand other things that she might have been) for a stump oratress.Irecognized no severe culture in Zenobia; her mind was full of weeds.It startled me sometimes, in my state of moral as well as bodily faint-heartedness, to observe the hardihood of her philosophy.She made no scruple of oversetting all human institutions, and scattering them as with a breeze from her fan.A female reformer, in her attacks upon society, has an instinctive sense of where the life lies, and is inclined to aim directly at that spot.Especially the relation between the sexes is naturally among the earliest to attract her notice.

Zenobia was truly a magnificent woman.The homely simplicity of her dress could not conceal, nor scarcely diminish, the queenliness of her presence.

The image of her form and face should have been multiplied all over the earth.It was wronging the rest of mankind to retain her as the spectacle of only a few.The stage would have been her proper sphere.

She should have made it a point of duty, moreover, to sit endlessly to painters and sculptors, and preferably to the latter; because the cold decorum of the marble would consist with the utmost scantiness of drapery, so that the eye might chastely be gladdened with her material perfection in its entireness.I know not well how to express that the native glow of coloring in her cheeks, and even the flesh-warmth over her round arms, and what was visible of her full bust,--in a word, her womanliness incarnated,--compelled me sometimes to close my eyes, as if it were not quite the privilege of modesty to gaze at her.Illness and exhaustion, no doubt, had made me morbidly sensitive.