第62章

IT was something，but it was not enough.I knew what power I had over her，and took cowardly advantage of it.

When I reflect that she is dead now，I wonder if God will ever forgive me for the hurt I caused her.

After supper，which was very rowdy，people began to gamble.

I sat next to Olympe，and bet my money so boldly that she could hardly fail to notice.In a trice，I won a hundred and fifty or two hundred louis which I spread out in front of me；she stared at them with eager eyes.

I was the only person there who was not totally absorbed by the play，and I alone paid her any attention.For the rest of the night，I went on winning，and it was I who gave her money to gamble with，for she had lost everything she had on the table in front of her，and most probably all the money she had in the house.

People started to leave at five in the morning.

I had won three hundred louis.

All the gamblers had gone downstairs.Only I had stayed behind.No one noticed，for none of the other gentlemen were friends of mine.

Olympe herself was lighting them down the staircase，and I was about to go down like everyone else，when，turning back to her，I said：

'I must speak to you.'

'Tomorrow，'she said.

'No.Now.'

'What is it you want to say？'

'You'll see.'

And I went back into her apartment.

'You lost，'I said.

'Yes.'

'Everything you had here？'

She hesitated.

'Speak frankly.'

'Oh very well，you're right.'

'I won three hundred louis.They're yours，if you let me stay.'

And，as I spoke，I tossed the gold on to the table.

'Why the offer？'

'Because I love you，dammit！'

'No so.Because you're in love with Marguerite and want to have your revenge by becoming my lover.You can't fool a woman like me，you know.Unfortunately，I'm still too young and too beautiful to accept the role you propose.'

'So you refuse？'

'Yes.'

'Would you rather have me for love than money？If so，I should be the one to refuse.Think，my dear Olympe.If I'd sent somebody or other along to offer you these same three hundred louis on my behalf and on the same terms that I have set out，you would have accepted.I preferred to deal with you directly.Say yes，and don't look for motives behind what I'm doing.Keep telling yourself that you're beautiful，that there's nothing surprising in the fact that I'm in love with you.'

Marguerite was a kept woman like Olympe，and yet the first time I saw her，I would never have dared say to her what I had just said to this woman.The difference was that I loved Marguerite，and had sensed instincts in her which were lacking in this other creature who，for all her very great beauty，even as I put the arrangement to her and prepared to agree terms，sickened me.

In the end she consented，of course，and when I walked out of her apartment at noon，I was her lover.But I slipped from her bed carrying away no memory of the caresses and loving words which she had felt obliged to lavish on me in exchange for the six thousand francs which I left for her.

And yet men had ruined themselves for that woman.

Starting from that day，I subjected Marguerite to constant persecution.Olympe and she stopped seeing each other：you can easily understand why.I gave my new mistress a carriage and jewels，I gambled and，in a word，committed all the follies which a man in love with a woman like Olympe normally commits.Rumours of my new passion spread at once.

Even Prudence was taken in by them and ended up believing that I had completely forgotten Marguerite.Marguerite，either because she guessed the motive which drove me or because she was deceived like everyone else，responded with great dignity to the slights I inflicted on her every day.Yet she appeared to be ill，for everywhere I met her I found her looking paler and paler and increasingly sad.My love for her，exalted to the point where it felt as though it had turned to hate，revelled in the spectacle of her daily sufferings.Several times，in situations where I behaved with unspeakable cruelty，Marguerite looked at me with such imploring eyes that I reddened at the role I had chosen to play，and came near to asking for her forgiveness.

But my repentance never lasted longer than a flash of lightning.Besides，Olympe，who in the end had set aside all thought of self-respect and realized that by hurting Marguerite she could get anything she wanted out of me，constantly set me against her and，whenever she had the chance，insulted her with the relentless cowardice of a woman who has the backing of a man.

Finally，Marguerite stopped going either to the ball or the theatre for fear of meeting Olympe and me.Then the direct insults were replaced by anonymous letters：there was nothing too shameful which I did not urge my mistress to put about nor too despicable which I did not myself spread concerning Marguerite.

I must have taken leave of my senses to allow affairs to come to such a pass.I was like a man who has got fighting drunk and falls into an uncontrollable rage in which his hand is quite capable of committing a crime without involving his mind.In the midst of it all，I went through torment.The way Marguerite reacted to all my attacks-with a calmness that was as free of scorn as her dignity was of contempt-made her my superior even in my eyes，but served only to provoke me further.

One evening，Olympe had gone out somewhere and met Marguerite who，on this occasion，did not spare the stupid girl who insulted her，and things reached the point where Olympe was forced to back down.She came back seething.Marguerite，who had fainted，had to be carried home.

As soon as she came in，Olympe told me what had happened.She said that when Marguerite had seen that she was by herself，she had wanted revenge because Olympe was my mistress.She said that I had to write a letter saying that，whether I was with her or not，the woman I loved was to be respected.

I have no need to tell you that I agreed.I put everything bitter，shameful and cruel I could think of into that missive which I sent to her home address that same day.

This time，the cut went too deep for the unhappy girl to be able to bear it in silence.