第61章

'Be not alarmed，Madam，on receiving this letter，by the apprehension of its containing any repetition of those sentiments，or renewal of those offers，which were last night so disgusting to you. I write without any intention of paining you，or humbling myself，by dwelling on wishes，which，for the happiness of both，cannot be too soon forgotten；and the effort which the formation，and the perusal of this letter must occasion，should have been spared，had not my character required it to be written and read.You must，therefore，pardon the freedom with which I demand your attention；your feelings，I know，will bestow it unwillingly，but I demand it of your justice.

'Two offences of a very different nature，and by no means of equal magnitude，you last night laid to my charge. The first mentioned was，that，regardless of the sentiments of either，I had detached Mr.Bingley from your sister，—and the other，that I had，in defiance of various claims，in defiance of honour and humanity，ruined the immediate prosperity，and blasted the prospects of Mr.Wickham.—Wilfully and wantonly to have thrown off thecompanion of my youth，the acknowledged favourite of my father，a young man who had scarcely any other dependence than on our patronage，and who had been brought up to expect its exertion，would be a depravity，to which the separation of two young persons，whose affection could be the growth of only a few weeks，could bear no comparison.—But from the severity of that blame which was last night so liberally bestowed，respecting each circumstance，I shall hope to be in future secured，when the following account of my actions and their motives has been read.—If，in the explanation of them which is due to myself，I am under the necessity of relating feelings which may be offensive to your's，I can only say that I am sorry.—The necessity must be obeyed—and farther apology would be absurd.—I had not been long in Hertfordshire，before I saw，in common with others，that Bingley preferred your eldest sister，to any other young woman in the country.—But it was not till the evening of the dance at Netherfield that I had any apprehension of his feeling a serious attachment.—I had often seen him in love before.—At that ball，while I had the honour of dancing with you，I was first made acquainted，by Sir William Lucas's accidental information，that Bingley's attentions to your sister had given rise to a general expectation of their marriage.He spoke of it as a certain event，of which the time alone could be undecided.From that moment I observed my friend's behaviour attentively；and I could then perceive that his partiality for Miss Bennet was beyond what I had ever witnessed in him.Your sister I also watched.—Her look and manners were open，cheerful and engaging as ever，but without any symptom of peculiar regard，and I remained convinced from the evening's scrutiny，that though she received his attentionswith pleasure，she did not invite them by any participation of sentiment.—If you have not been mistaken here，I must have been in an error.Your superior knowledge of your sister must make the latter probable.—If it be so，if I have been misled by such error，to inflict pain on her，your resentment has not been unreasonable.But I shall not scruple to assert，that the serenity of your sister's countenance and air was such，as might have given the most acute observer，a conviction that，however amiable her temper，her heart was not likely to be easily touched.—That I was desirous of believing her indifferent is certain，—but I will venture to say that my investigations and decisions are not usually influenced by my hopes or fears.—I did not believe her to be indifferent because I wished it；—I believed it on impartial conviction，as truly as I wished it in reason.—My objections to the marriage were not merely those，which I last night acknowledged to have required the utmost force of passion to put aside，in my own case；the want of connection could not be so great an evil to my friend as to me.—But there were other causes of repugnance；—causes which，though still existing，and existing to an equal degree in both instances，I had myself endeavoured to forget，because they were not immediately before me.These causes must be stated，though briefly.—The situation of your mother's family，though objectionable，was nothing in comparison of that total want of propriety so frequently，so almost uniformly betrayed by herself，by your three younger sisters，and occasionally even by your father.