第1章 宽恕 (1)

I Forgive You

佚名 / Anonymous

Marriage isn’t the only relationship that needs forgi-veness. It’s required with our children， friends， workmates， neighbors and even strangers. In fact， no human relationship can survive without the oxygen of forgiveness. It’s not an optional nicety for people who are into that kind of thing； it’s a universal necessity for relationships and for your own health and sanity.

Some of us may think that we’ve been hurt too deeply， or too often， to forgive. But ironically， it’s those of us who’ve been most hurt that really need to forgive， for one simple reason： like cancer， bitterness can destroy its host. Unless it’s swiftly rooted out， it takes hold and grows， crippling and eventually even killing those who insist on clinging determinedly to it.

For the truth is that unless we can forgive， we can never recover. Our wounds will continue to fester and never heal. As the ancient Chinese proverb puts it， “Whoever seeks revenge should dig two graves.”

Taking the first step for some people forgiveness feels impossible because they have no idea how to go about it. The first and most important thing you need to accept is that the act of forgiveness is not going to easy. In fact， it will probably be the hardest thing most of us ever have to do.

It seems totally unfair that we should have to forgive when we’re the ones who have been hurt. And that’s the crux of forgiveness.

The saying “Forgive and forget” may roll off the tongue， but it’s as shallow as it is short. For one thing， it’s downright impossible. For another， it misses the whole point of forgiveness. The things we most need forgive in life are the things we can’t forget. Rather than sweeping them under the carpet， we need to draw a line under them， deliberately choosing not to count them against the person who did them， and moving on.

That’s why， sometimes， the initial act of forgiveness may seem relatively easy， but dealing with the emotions that follow every time you see that person， or speak to them or just think about them， can be harder to deal with. True forgiveness is not a one-off act； it’s a constant emotional confrontation.

And the longer you wait to forgive someone， the harder it becomes. Time really doesn’t heal， it just gives the bitterness and resentment longer to eat away at you from inside. If you wait for the “right time”， you may never do it.

A question you should ask yourself before you begin to tackle the art of forgiveness is this： How many of us are ever completely innocent in any given situation？

Some years ago， my wife， Cornelia， and I bought a piece of cheap， flat-packed， pine veneered furniture. For the first few months， it fooled everyone it was smart， functional and impressive， and we felt it fitted our home perfectly. But as time rolled by， the veneer slowly began to peel at the edges. It didn’t create the same impression any more， but at least it was being honest！ The fact is that， like it or not， behind our smart veneer， we’re all just chipboard. So before we become other people’s judge and jury， we’d be wise to take a long， hard look at ourselves in the mirror. And the more we see ourselves， warts and all， the more we’ll want to and be able to forgive others for their flaws， and the more we forgive， the more we’ll know true contentment.

Would you rather be right or happy？ Forgiving others can get a satisfying reaction. So if you think you’re right and can’t find it in yourself to forgive， ask yourself this question： Would you rather be right or happy？