第1章 You are too late
on a bus a man discovered a pickpocket's hand thrust into his pocket.
“sorry，” he said to the pickpocket，“you are too late. My wife did it before you.”
你太晚了
在公共汽车上，有个人发现小偷把手伸到了他的口袋里。
“对不起，”他对小偷说，“你太晚了，我妻子在你之前就做过同样的事情了。”
It was the Christmas season and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner，“What is your offense？”
“I did my Christmas shopping early this year，” cried the prisoner.
“There's nothing wrong with that，” said the Judge. “How early were you doing this shopping？”
“Before the store opened，” answered the prisoner.
圣诞佳节到来，法官心情愉悦地问犯人： “你做了什么坏事啊？”
“我今年圣诞节购物早了些。”犯人回答。
“这么做没错啊”，法官说：“到底多早之前啊？”
“商店开门之前。”犯人答道。
Problem with gas
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says，“Doctor，I have this problem with gas，but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact，I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.” The doctor says，“I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor，” she says，“I don't know what the hell you gave me，but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly.” The doctor says，“Good！ Now that we've cleared up your sinuses，let's start working on your hearing.”
放屁的问题
有位小老太太去看医生，她对医生说：“医生，我有爱放屁的毛病。其实也不是大问题，因为我放屁不臭而且没声音。事实上，自从我进了你办公室后，已经放了至少20个屁了，但是你并不知道对吧，因为我的屁不臭，而且还没声音。”医生说：“好的，我明白了。吃这个药片，一天三次连续吃七天，下星期你再来。”一个星期后，老太太来了，“医生，你到底给的我什么药，现在我放屁还是没声音，但是怎么这么臭！”医生说：“太好了！既然你的嗅觉正常了，我们开始治听觉吧。”
第一章 If life were like a computer
You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel. You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it！ You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings. You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy. You could click on “find” （Ctrl，F） to recover your lost remote control and car keys. To get your daily exercise，just click on “run”！ If you mess up your life，you could always press “Ctrl，Alt，Delete” and start all over！
假如生活是一台电脑
你可以通过控制面板增加或者删除一些人；可以把孩子放进回收站，然后在你喜欢的时候再还原；可以通过调整显示器的设置让外表更好看；可以在吵闹的时候关掉音箱；可以点击“搜索”找到丢失了的遥控器和车钥匙；锻炼身体的时候，点击“运行”。要是你的生活一团糟，同时按下“ctrl，alt，delete”键，一切就会重新开始。
单词&词组
pickpocket [5pik7pCkit] n. 扒手，小偷
smell [smel] n.有难闻的气味；气味，臭味；嗅觉
silent [5sailEnt] adj.寂静的，沉默的
as a matter of fact 事实上，其实
prescription [pri5skripFEn] n.药方，处方
stink [stiNk] v.散发出恶臭，发臭味
now that既然
clear up 打扫干净；治疗，治愈；处理
control panel 控制面板
recycle [5ri：5saikl] v.使再循环，反复应用
display [di5splei] n.显示，展示
mess up搞糟，陷入困境
知道不知道
英文的放屁有很多种说法，比较通俗的说法有fart，可用作不及物动词和名词。如果想文雅一点，比如有的小朋友喜欢把“放屁”说成“排气”，那么英语里就可以说break wind，或者cut the cheese。此外，比较正式的用法还有expel gas ，pass gas等。
第一章 This is no time to be superstitious！
都什么时候了，还这么迷信！
Much worse
Policeman：Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch？
Man：If I had opened my mouth，they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
那就更糟了
警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？
男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了。
Psychiatrist
Jerry went to a psychiatrist. “Doc，” he said，“I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed，I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy！” “Just put yourself in my hands for one year，” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week，and I'll cure your fears.”“How much do you charge？” one hundred dollars per visit.“ I'll sleep on it，” said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. “Why didn't you ever come to see me again？” asked the psychiatrist. “For a hundred bucks a visit？The bartender cured me for $10.” “Is that so！ How？” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed！ Ain't nobody under there now！！！”
心理医生
杰瑞去看心理医生。“医生，我有些不对劲。每次睡觉的时候，我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了！” “给我一年时间，”医生说，“每周来三次，我会治好你。”“怎么收费呢？”“每次一百美元。”“我会认真考虑的。”杰瑞答道。六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，“为什么你再也没来呢？”医生问。“一次一百块钱吗？有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。”“真的？他怎么做到的？”“他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那儿没人了！”
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said，“I hear sirens. Jump！”
The second one said，“But we're on the 13th floor！”
The first one screamed back，“This is no time to be superstitious！”
两个盗贼在一家旅馆偷东西。第一个说：“我听到警报响了，快跳吧！”
第二个说：“但是我们在13层啊！”
第一个朝他大喊道：“都什么时候了，还这么迷信！”
A kid asked his dad，“Hey，Pop，can you write in the dark？” The dad answered，“Sure. What do you want me to write？” The boy said，“Your name on this report card.”
有个孩子问他爸爸：“嘿，爸，你能在黑暗中写字吗？”
爸爸回答：“当然。你要我写什么？”
男孩说：“在这个成绩单上写你的名字。”
A tricky girl said，“Mom，I got a one hundred in school today！” The mom replied，“Great，sweetie，tell me about it.” The girl reluctantly said，“Well，I got a twenty in math，a thirty in history and a fifty in spelling.”
一个狡猾的女孩说：“妈妈，我今天在学校得了一个100分！”
妈妈回答说：“太好了，小可爱。跟我说说情况。”
这个女孩不情愿地说：“嗯，我数学得了20分，历史得了30分，拼写得了50分。”
单词&词组
rob of抢劫
shrink [FriNk] v.收缩；n.精神病学家；心理学家
charge [tFB：dV] n.收费
sleep on it把问题留在第二天解决，考虑一下
cure [kjuE] v.治愈，解决
siren [5saiErin] n.汽笛，警报器；（救火车等）响着警报器行驶
scream [skri：m] v.尖声喊叫
superstitious [7sju：pE5stiFEs] adj.迷信的
report card 成绩单
tricky [5triki] adj.狡猾的，机警的
sweetie [5swi：ti] n.恋人，爱人，糖果
reluctantly [r'lQktEntli] adv.不情愿地
知道不知道
13在西方是个不吉祥的数字，希腊神话说，在哈弗拉宴会上共出席了12位天神。宴会当中，一位不速之客——烦恼与吵闹之神洛基忽然闯来了。这第13位来客的闯入，招致天神宠爱的快乐喜悦之神柏尔特送了性命。柏尔特死了，整个地球都陷入了黑暗和哀伤之中。从那一刻起，数字13便成了不祥之兆。
在圣经中也涉及到不吉利数字13，背叛耶稣的传道者犹大是最后的晚餐中的第13个客人。因此在西方的大厦里通常没有13层楼或者13号的门牌。有一部著名的科幻电影叫《第十三层空间》 （The Thirteenth Floor），影片里的那套虚拟系统就在公司的第13层楼，也许编剧意在反讽连这套虚拟系统或许都是根本不存在的。